


A Court of Rage and Desire

by wolfiixxx



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Banter, F/M, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, nessian smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:20:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 41,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26391814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfiixxx/pseuds/wolfiixxx
Summary: When Nesta is ordered to go to the Illyrian Mountains, she immediately refuses, but the High Lord and Lady remain adamant. She comes up with a plan to escape Velaris before they send her away, all the while battling her feelings for Cassian and her own guilt and trauma from the war.
Relationships: Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 82
Kudos: 125





	1. Chapter 1

** Nesta's POV **

The room was freezing. It was dank and empty, and cold enough that her breath clouded in the air whenever she exhaled. She sat on the barren wooden floor, the floorboards creaking whenever she shifted. A rat creeped out of a hole in the wall, turning its beady eyes on her, hissing viciously as it darted away.

She didn't care, though. She didn't care about anything anymore. She didn't care that she wasn't eating enough, that she'd lost so much weight. She didn't care that she hadn't seen anyone in days. She didn't care whether she lived or died. She didn't care about...

Cassian. Her thoughts always seemed to drift back to him. She hated that she cared about him, that she wanted to see him. She hated that she missed him. Most of all, she hated that she hated herself for what she did to him.

She heard a knock at the door. She didn't move. Another knock. She stayed still, hoping whoever it was would go away. A small part of her wished it was Cassian coming to visit her, but she quickly suppressed the thought, hating herself even more.

The person knocked again and a female voice said, "Nesta, I know you're in there".

She scowled. She came here every month, and every month she told her to leave her alone. She had to give her credit, she was persistent.

"Go away," she whispered.

Her voice was raw and hoarse from hours of not using it. The doorknob turned slowly, the door groaning on its hinges. She found herself wishing she had locked the door. Her sister stepped in, her eyes scanning the empty room before landing on Nesta. She took in her gaunt face and lifeless eyes, her small frame and bony limbs. Nesta imagined she looked horrid compared to Feyre, with her fair skin and sparkling eyes. Despite the concern written on her face, she had never looked happier. She was absolutely radiant.

She would never admit it to Feyre, but she envied her. She envied that she was the better sister, that she took care of her, Elain, and her father when they were poor. She envied that she was so happy with her mate, Rhysand. She envied that she had her friends, like a family of her own. She envied her bravery and her kindness. She envied, more than anything, that Feyre was everything she wasn't.

Feyre ventured further into the room, cringing as the floorboards creaked. She smiled at Nesta hesitantly, "How are you?".

Nesta sneered, "Get out".

Feyre stuck her hands in her pockets, unfazed. She looked around again, at the walls with the paint peeling off. At the small, rickety bed in the corner of the room. She sniffed the air, wrinkling her nose.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather stay at the townhouse?", she asked.

Nesta thought about the townhouse, with the warm fireplace and the dining hall filled with people. The dining hall where she had dined with Cassian, the fireplace where she had sat beside him. She imagined Cassian now, at that same fireplace, guzzling wine and smiling, tipping his head back, laughing.

She gritted her teeth, "I'm fine".

Feyre tilted her head, searching her eyes, searching for something that wasn't there.

Nesta narrowed her eyes, "What are you looking at?".

Feyre sighed, "Is there anything I can do to help you?".

Nesta stood up suddenly, prowling to where her sister stood. She snarled, baring her teeth, "You can help me by leaving me the hell alone,".

Feyre came closer, " I can't leave you alone. Not like this. You need to be with someone, to talk to them. I'm worried about you. You hardly see or speak to anyone. You even pushed Elain away."

She took her hands in hers, "Nesta, please just let me help you".

Nesta yanked her hands back, "I don't need to see anyone. I don't need to talk to anyone. And I most certainly don't need _your_ help".

She spat out those last words, as if disgusted by her.

"Nesta, you can't go on like this", Feyre was raising her voice now.

She ignored her, moving to look out the only window in the room.

Feyre started again, "Nesta-".

She whirled around, "What do you want from me, Feyre? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that I'm fine, that I'm happy? Do you want me to tell you everything is alright, so you can go back to your happy, perfect life? Will you be satisfied then? You don't care about me, Feyre. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You've only come here to appease your own conscience. To feel better about yourself. To do your monthly checkup and go home knowing all is right in the world again. Well I'm sick of it, Feyre. And I'm sick of you. I'm sick of you trying to fix me and help me because I'm not like you, not the way you want me to be. I am not you, and I never will be. And you'd be doing us both a favor if you stopped trying to change me". 

Feyre stared at her, her face blanched and her eyes wide. "I'm not trying to fix you Nesta," she said softly. "I'm sorry you think that", she continued, "I'm just worried about you. I-".

Nesta clenched her fists, her knuckles whitening," I don't care. I don't care if you're worried. I don't care about you. Now, get out."

Nesta looked out the window, fighting down the guilt she felt. She hadn't meant what she said. Not completely. But she had to get Feyre away from her. She couldn't stand the sight of her, without reminding herself of all that she had lost. Her father, her sanity, her normal human life. She glanced at her sister Feyre who'd been silent for awhile. She was looking down, but then she nodded. Once. Twice. Feyre walked to the door, opening it, then paused. She turned around, her eyes full of sorrow.

"I just want us to be a family, Nesta. I want us to be sisters", she said.

Nesta crossed her arms and leveled her gaze on her," Get. Out."

** Feyre's POV **

Feyre sighed and stepped out of the apartment, gently closing the door behind her as she headed outside. She knew Nesta wouldn't react well to her being there. She would react even worse to what she'd sent Cassian to tell her. She would've told Nesta herself, but her sister had made it very clear she couldn't stand the sight of her. Hopefully Cassian could get through to her better than she could.

** Nesta's POV **

Nesta watched her sister leave the apartment. She kept trying to push her guilt and anger away, although it wasn't working. All the money she spent on alcohol couldn't do it either. She went to sleep at night terrified of what she might dream of. Some nights she saw herself drowning in the Cauldron, her lungs heavy with the damned water, suffocating her. Other times she saw herself plunging that blade into Hybern's neck, watching herself relish each crack of his bones shattering. She doubted she would ever sleep restfully again.

It was the reason she had so many locks on her door. Not only to keep other Fae out, but.... She turned towards the entrance, realizing she'd forgotten to bolt it. She made to do so when another knock sounded on the door.


	2. Chapter 2

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian looked around the dark hallway. He stood at the only door at the end of the hall. He noticed there wasn't a welcome mat and smiled to himself. He wasn't surprised that Nesta wouldn't want to see anyone. There was no wallpaper on the walls, just wooden planks loosely nailed to each other. He was even more surprised that the whole building hadn't fallen apart yet. The rug on the floor was in tatters, and the lights kept flickering on and off, casting eerie shadows.

He loosed a breath, gathering his courage, raising his fist to knock again, when the doorknob twisted and opened suddenly. Nesta stepped out, eyes blazing.

"Feyre, I told you to l-", she faltered. "C-cassian," she stammered, momentarily stunned.

He grinned devilishly, delighting in her embarrassment.

Nesta quickly recovered, straightening herself and lifting her chin. "What are _you_ doing here," she glared at him.

"Good to see you too, Nesta" he said, tilting his head. "Well, aren't you going to invite me into your humble home?", he continued.

Nesta scoffed, turning to close the door. Cassian chuckled, holding the door open with his hand and walked past her into her room.

** Nesta's POV **

Cassian turned around in a circle, examining the room, "Nice place you got here".

Nesta's face burned, suddenly extremely self conscious about the state of her house. She scolded herself for being so foolish.

"Yes, it's quite charming" he went on, "especially those cute rats you share the place with". He smiled wider, "You never told me you had roommates".

Nesta's eyes flashed as she stormed towards him and shoved him against the wall. His head made a satisfying crack from the impact. She smiled, mischief dancing in her eyes. Cassian pried himself off the wall. He raised both brows, sensing the challenge. He prowled towards her and cracked his knuckles. She couldn't help but notice the way his eyes sparkled, the way his dark, shoulder length hair swayed a little when he walked. The way he always raised his eyebrows at her. She looked at his sleeves, which were tight enough to see the powerfully corded muscles lining his arms.

She found herself wondering if he treated everyone the way he treated her. He hadn't tried to hide his feelings about her, but he wasn't particularly explicit about them either. If she continued to pretend she hated him, would he eventually hate her too? If he didn't already. Would he stop caring about her, stop visiting her? Would he move on to someone else and forget about her? She wanted to tell him how she felt, but she was too prideful to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much she thought about him. No, not prideful, she realized. A coward. She was too much of a damn coward to admit how she felt about him.

She startled as she realized she'd been staring at him this whole time.

Cassian crossed his arms, grinning savagely," Why are you staring at me?".

She blinked, trying to come up with some excuse.

He ran a hand through his hair, "Not that I'm surprised. I tend to have that effect on females".

Nesta snorted," Keep telling yourself that".

He strode toward her, floorboards creaking with every step. He stood very close to her. Close enough to feel his warm breath brushing her cheek. Close enough to kiss him. She felt the air tense between them. He wasn't smiling anymore.

"You never answered my question," he breathed.

She averted her eyes, unable to hold his intense gaze any longer, but found herself staring at his lips. Which wasn't any better.

He tilted his head, "Well?". He waited. "No snide remarks?", he asked.

Her palms were sweating, and her heart was pounding uncontrollably in her chest. She couldn't seem to focus on anything other than his presence. Her head was spinning and she couldn't remember how to use words. She tried to keep her chin high and voice steady as she met his gaze and said,

"And what question would that be?".

She would not give him the pleasure of seeing her squirm. She would not let him see how vulnerable he made her feel.

Cassian moved even closer, brushing her hair aside. Her skin seemed to pulse where his finger touched her. He leaned in, his lips grazing her ear as whispered, "You know exactly what question".

She swallowed and couldn't help but look away again.

"Why were you staring at me, Nesta?", he repeated.

She watched him step back, his hands in his pockets. He held his casual stance again, taking up that air of nonchalance he had earlier. She desperately tried to think of something to say. She was at a complete loss for words. _He must be enjoying himself, watching her struggle_ she thought. She was just about to utter some poorly formed excuse when the door whirled open and she froze. Feyre stood at the threshold, mouth hanging open and eyes wide.

"I-" she stammered, "S-sorry I came back to see if I-". She looked embarrassed, "I should just go now".

Nesta stepped away from Cassian and said angrily, "Don't bother". She stormed pass Feyre and slammed the door, not daring to look back at Cassian.

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian went after her, nodding a greeting to Feyre. She smiled at him awkwardly and winnowed away. Cassian followed Nesta down the dim hallway. He had to run to catch up with her.

He grabbed her by the elbow, "Hey. You okay?".

She yanked her arm from his grasp. "What the hell do you want?", she hissed.

He swept his gaze over her body and flashed his usual cocky grin, "I want a lot of things".

He smiled wider when he saw her cheeks redden. He loved how angry he made her. He felt his smile falter suddenly when he remembered why he had come here in the first place. 

"Um, actually, I have to tell you something", he looked away, unable to face her.

Nesta crossed her arms, "No good conversation ever starts this way".

Cassian might have laughed if he wasn't so nervous. He gulped, "So... I... How do I say this...".

Nesta stared directly at him, without flinching, "Well? Out with it."

Not a single moment in his 500 years of existence could prepare him for this. Not any of the wars he had waged, not any of the battles he had fought in would save him from Nesta's wrath. _Gods, he was absolutely terrified of her._

He braced himself for her reaction. "Feyre wants you to go to the Illyrian Mountains with me," he blurted out.

Nesta looked like she'd stopped breathing. "What?" she said sharply.

"Feyre wants you to go t-"

"I heard what you said, _you idiot._ I was being rhetorical and- Never mind, why am I even wasting my breath on you?".

"Sooo...", Cassian drawled, "Is that a ... yes?".

Nesta kicked him, "No! I'm not going anywhere, especially not with _you_ ".

His chest tightened. Her words stung more than they should've. He was sure she hadn't meant it. He hoped she hadn't. 

Cassian cleared his throat, "Well then, it's settled. You should start packing, we leave tomorrow at dawn.

Nesta kicked him again, harder this time. "Ow!", he grabbed his leg and glared at her. She glared back, which only made him more determined to see how far he could push her.

"There is no way in hell I am going to that damn mountain with you", she shouted.

He gritted his teeth, "Too bad. I'll drag you there myself if I have to".

"I'd like to see you try", she replied.

"I'd be happy to oblige you", he said dryly.

Nesta looked like she was about to explode.

Cassian groaned and threw up his hands in frustration. Why did she always have to make everything so complicated?

"You need this, Nesta", he said. "You spend all your time drinking and you f- every male that comes your way. You lose more weight every day and you're practically terrified of your own shadow." He was getting angry now. "Damn it, Nesta! I'm trying to help you!".

"Well maybe I don't want anyone's help!" she screamed.

The walls seemed to rattle and his siphons glowed. He wondered how none of the neighbors had come out to see the cause of all the screams. He took in a deep breath and tried to be calm. Yelling at her wouldn't help things.

He sighed, "Why don't you come down to the riverfront estate? We can talk more about it with Feyre".

He expected Nesta to shout at him again and tell him she wouldn't go when she looked at him and said, "Fine".

Cassian must've looked really surprised because Nesta snorted and said, "Don't give me that look".

She turned around and walked back to the apartment and came out with her coat on. "Let's go", she said coldly. There was a hint of something in her eyes he couldn't quite place.

He smiled as brightly as he could and held out his arm, "Shall we?".

She pushed his arm away and walked ahead of him to the city beyond.


	3. Chapter 3

** Nesta's POV **

Nesta didn't know why she'd agreed to go to the estate. She certainly didn't want to see Feyre again, or anyone else in her little entourage. And she certainly didn't want to go to the Illyrian Mountains with Cassian. Or did she?

No, she knew why she'd come. There was no point in denying it. She had come out of hope. Hope that Feyre didn't hate her after what she'd said, hope she would be accepted, hope she could be friends with Amren again. Stupid, idiotic hope. Of course, she would never admit those things to a living soul.

Going to the Mountains couldn't really hurt either, she thought. It might give her some purpose. She didn't like to admit it, but she was miserable. She was sick of her life. Worse, she was sick of the emptiness inside her. The depthless pit in her chest that gnawed at her day and night. She had to drink until she was sick to forget that feeling, to forget everything. But she'd wake up the next day, as miserable as the day before.

Whatever happened, it couldn't get any worse.

Behind her, Cassian was panting, "God damn, you walk fast".

She ignored him. He had to jog to catch up with her again.

"Not much of a conversationalist, are you?" he flashed her a smile. She didn't return it.

"You know", he tried again, "most people would find your silence off putting, but I quite like the challenge".

She bit her tongue. She wasn't sure what she would say if she didn't shut her mouth. He made her want to punch him and kiss him at the same time.

He touched her arm. She jumped at the contact. His fingers were warm and she longed for him to touch her again.

He frowned, "Are you alright? I don't bite you know". He arched a dark brow, "Unless you want me to".

Her heart jumped in her chest. "Shut up", she seethed.

He beamed, "If you insist. Although I adore talking. It's just about the only thing I enjoy more than annoying you. In fact...".

She dug her nails into her palms. He went on rambling, but she'd stopped listening.

She was going to the riverfront estate. To talk to Feyre. If Feyre had come up with this idea, why hadn't she mentioned anything earlier? She must've sent Cassian on purpose. Of course. Typical Feyre. Typical Feyre to want to push her into such things. Just because everything worked out for her and Rhys, didn't mean it'd work out for her and Cassian. Like Elain, for example, who ignored poor Lucien at all costs.

Cassian interrupted her train of thought. He planted his hands on his hips, "We're here".

** Cassian's POV **

He led her into the palace, wary of her gaze judging every inch of the place. Nesta followed him up the staircase and to the study, where Feyre, Rhys, and Amren waited. Feyre sat on an elegant armchair, Rhys quietly leaning against the windows behind her. He was clad in his usual black, although it seemed more formal than usual. He looked passive, but the tension in his shoulders gave him away. Amren lounged on the divan, picking at her nails and looking bored.

Nesta glared at him. "You said we were only meeting Feyre", she hissed, "Not your whole damn council".

"Calm down, it's three people", he muttered.

Nesta huffed.

He turned his attention back to Feyre. She smiled at them kindly. Rhys crossed his arms, assessing. He seemed ready to pounce at anything that moved. Amren looked up from her nails, sweeping her gaze over Nesta. He saw the judgment in her eyes as she took in her appearance and tattered clothing. Nesta feigned ignorance, but he knew she felt everyone's attention on her. 

Amren snickered, "Nesta, you look horrid".

Nesta pretended not to hear her, but her eyes gave her away. Those beautiful blue-grey eyes. They were as cold and harsh as a winter morning, yet they were stunning. They always seemed to glitter, like sun reflecting off ice.

He realized the room had gone unnaturally quiet. He pried his eyes off of Nesta only to find everyone staring at him. He scratched his head and felt his ears go pink. Nesta didn't even look at him.

Feyre cleared her throat, "So, anyways... Uh, Nesta, I assume Cass already told you about our plan?".

Nesta nodded.

Feyre continued, "Well, in case Cassian didn't provide all the details, you would be spending several months training with him and the other Illyrians learning to master your powers".

Nesta said nothing.

"It won't be easy", she went on, "But I think we all agree you need it".

Amren snorted.

Nesta turned her icy gaze on her. "Is there something you'd like to say to me?".

Amren stood up, "Yes, actually, there's a lot of things I'd like to say to you. Starting with those rags you call clothes, and-".

Feyre raised her hand to silence her. Amren sat back down, grumbling.

Feyre turned to Cassian, "When are you planning on leaving?".

He was just about to answer when Nesta cut him off, "I haven't agreed to anything".

"It's not your decision to make, Nesta. You're going whether you like it or not", Feyre said.

Nesta's nostrils flared, "You can't force me to do anything. You're not my High Lady and I don't have to answer to you. I'm not just another one of your puppets for you to control".

Cassian winced. Rhys surged forward suddenly. He looked like he was about to strangle Nesta. Feyre held him back with one arm. Rhys simmered, but reluctantly went back to his spot near the windows. Cassian could tell even Feyre's patience was starting to wear thin.

"No one's trying to control you, Nesta. We just want what's best for you".

"Like hell!", she fumed, "If you knew what was best for me- for Elain, you wouldn't have left us to live your lavish Fae life all those months ago. You wouldn't have gone and nearly gotten yourself killed Under the Mountain. And you wouldn't have left us in that house to get kidnapped by those queens and Made into Fae".

Cassian was starting to wonder if Nesta agreed to come to the estate for the sole purpose of arguing with her sister.

"Enough", Rhys bellowed. His voice cut through the chaos like a scythe. The darkness seemed to swarm around him. He advanced on Nesta, ignoring Feyre's warning glance.

He spoke with lethal calm, "You have no right to speak that way to my mate and your High Lady. You have no right to come into our home and scorn us. You are going with Cassian to the Mountains. End of discussion".

Cassian winced again. _Our home._ Feyre and Rhys's home. The Inner Circle's home. Not Nesta's home. He prayed she hadn't noticed those words, but by the look in her eyes she had.

** Nesta's POV **

Nesta bristled but remained quiet. She clenched her fists to stop them from shaking. _Our home._ She saw the expression Cassian had. He'd also noticed those words. No, it wasn't her home. She didn't belong here, she was a guest. A guest is invited over, but eventually they are expected to leave.

She might've agreed to go to the Mountains. She might've. She might've even apologized to Feyre. To Amren even. But seeing Rhys threaten her and telling her she didn't have a choice made her want to do the exact opposite of what they wanted. It was petty and juvenile and she wasn't proud of it, but she couldn't help herself. Her pride was all she had left.

She'd come because of hope. Because she was stupid enough to hope she had a place here. Maybe she'd made things worse, being so horrible to Feyre again, but she couldn't stand Feyre making all her decisions for her. _She_ was the older sister. _She_ should be making decisions for Feyre, not the other way around. She should've been the one to protect her and Elain when the world went to Hell.

It wasn't Feyre's fault that her and Elain were made. Everything she went through because of that damn cauldron, it wasn't Feyre's fault. It was her fault. Her and the king. But the king was dead. He was dead because she'd killed him. He was dead, but she was alive. She could take the blame. But blaming Feyre was easier than blaming herself.

As traumatic as the experience was, she'd rather go through it all again than go to the Mountains after what'd just happened. Despite everything, she still a few shreds of dignity.

She'd have to leave the night before, and she'd need to find a place to hide where they couldn't find her. Somewhere far from Velaris. She'd need to gather provisions, find a way for safe passage, bribe people to stay quiet. She would need a lot of money for it and she'd nearly spent all her monthly salary.

She did feel a little sad at leaving. She'd grown fond of Velaris over the past few months. But she didn't have a choice. There was nothing left for her here. Nothing but the bars and the males she took home. And she didn't need to be in Velaris for that. Everyone was probably sick of Nesta ruining their lives. She would disappear and they would live their lives without her. They'd probably even be grateful.

No, she didn't have anything left for her here. She thought of Cassian again. She couldn't bare to leave him, but he deserved someone better. Someone who would appreciate him and wouldn't push him away. Someone who would care for him and love him in the way she never could. There wasn't anyone else. No one other than... Elain. Sweet, gentle Elain. Her heart ached at leaving her sister. She loved Elain dearly, and perhaps she was being selfish for leaving her. But Elain would be fine on her own. She was happy. She had her gardens and her cooking. The Inner Circle cared for her and would keep her safe. Elain didn't need her undeserving sister holding her back, always reminding her of the past. She'd only ever wanted for Elain to be happy, and she finally was. She could wish for nothing more.

Nesta looked up. They were all looking at her, waiting for her reaction. She hated the way they looked at her. Like she was a rabid dog, a wild animal that would lash out at them at any moment. She didn't look at Cassian. She couldn't imagine what he must think of her, how much he must hate her. How much he should hate her.

She shoved all her thoughts away and faced the High Lord. She tried to sound as defiant and angry as possible as she clenched her jaw and said, "Fine. I'll go".

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Cassian sigh in relief. Feyre also seemed grateful for Nesta's compliance. Amren raised an eyebrow and went back to examining her nails, once again bored. Rhys was trying hard not to act surprised. She tried her best to hide a small smile.

Nesta went on, "On one condition". The room tensed again. "You give me one month -and one month's worth of salary- to get my affairs in order".

Feyre clasped her hands and stood up, "Done!". She smiled, "I'm so glad you agreed to this, Nesta. It'll be so good for you".

She tried not to roll her eyes. As if they'd given her the option of disagreeing.

She looked over at Rhys and smirked. The High Lord had an odd expression on his face. She could tell he was trying hard not to show his surprise.

He finally gave in, "What, that's it?". He frowned," You're not even going to insult me?".

Feyre elbowed him. Rhys stared at her, and Feyre stared back. They were probably having another one of their silent arguments. Apparently Rhys lost, because he crossed his arms and went back to brooding. " I suppose we could grant you the month", he muttered, "But try to be quick about it. The sooner you start your training, the better".

_The sooner we get rid of you, the better._

Feyre smiled warmly at her again, and Nesta winced at the openness in her eyes. Feyre really believed Nesta would go. She didn't like deceiving her sister, but she had no choice. She couldn't go to the Mountains, she wouldn't give them that satisfaction. Besides, she'd have to spend her days training with those insufferable Illyrian brutes, and she could barely stomach the sight of one of them.

Someone scoffed at the back of the room. It was Amren. She didn't look up from her nails as she said, "I don't buy it. There's no way in Hell you're going to agree to go so easily. That's not the NestaI know".

Nesta ignored her and kept her mouth shut. The more she spoke and argued, the more reasons they had to doubt her. And she'd need to play her cards well if she was going to pull it off.


	4. Chapter 4

** Cassian's POV **

Surprised was an understatement for describing how he felt at the moment. Nesta actually agreed to go to the Mountains? Of course he was happy she did, but he couldn't help but feel a little suspicious. Why did she agree to go so easily, especially after Rhys spoke to her like that. Did it even matter? Either way she was going. But he couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that something was wrong.

Nesta still wasn't looking at him. She always looked at everyone in the room except for him. Did he mean so little to her that she didn't even bother to look at him? Or did she just hate him?

Rhys still had his brows furrowed, "One month, Nesta. No more than that".

Nesta nodded, then left the room without another word. Cassian went after her.

Nesta glared at him, "I don't need an escort".

"Too bad, you have one now", he said.

He still couldn't get over how easily she'd agreed to go. Well, it wasn't easy by any means, but it was easier than what he'd expected. Nesta was too prideful to let Rhysand speak to her like that and get away with it. Cassian had expected her to insult him or get mad. Something. Anything. But she'd just looked his brother in the eye and told him she'd go. It seemed too good to be true. 

They walked in silence for a while.

"So... that went well", he ventured.

Nesta didn't reply.

"I'm really glad you're coming to the Mountains". _I'm really glad you're coming with me._

Still nothing.

"Are you excited to go there?", he asked. _Are you excited to go with me?_

She didn't say anything.

"You know, I'm used to you insulting me and telling me to shut up, but now you're just flat out ignoring me".

Nesta groaned, "So if I tell you to shut up, you'll stop bothering me?".

Cassian smiled. He finally got a reaction out of her. "No promises", he said.

Nesta rolled her eyes.

Cassian stopped outside of the door to her apartment. Nesta unlocked the door and walked right in without looking back at him. He followed her before she could lock the door again.

"What do you want?", she asked. "I made it home safely. You can go away now".

He plopped himself down on the bed. He stretched out his long legs and crossed his hands behind his head, "Don't you need any help sorting out your affairs?".

"No", she said flatly.

He picked invisible lint off the thin blanket on her bed and said casually, "What affairs do you need taken care of anyways?". He didn't particularly want to know what affairs she had to deal with, considering what she did in her spare time. But he wanted to spend more time with her, and something told him he should probably keep an eye on her.

She crossed her arms, "I don't see how it's any business of yours".

Cassian got off the bed and walked closer to her. He smiled smugly, "It's not, but I like being nosy".

She waved him off, "Well, go be nosy elsewhere".

"But I'm so tired after all that walking", he whined.

Nesta glared, "Fine, then _I'll_ leave".

She headed towards the door but Cassian hopped off the bed and blocked her path. "Wait, let me help you", he pleaded. "I do have some other qualifications, other than being devilishly attractive and completely irresistible. I'm more than capable of helping you with your things".

Nesta's face was unreadable as she said coldly, "I'm sure you are, but I'd much rather do it alone".

"Why?", he asked.

"Why not?", she countered.

"Why won't you let me help you?".

"Why won't _you_ leave me alone?", she snapped.

"I don't want to", he said simply.

"Well, you can't always do what you want, Cassian".

"I'm not doing it for myself, Nesta. I'm doing it for you", he growled.

"I don't need _you_ to do anything for me".

He scowled, "I just don't understand why you're so set on doing everything alone".

"Maybe I like doing things alone".

"Well, you can't always do what you like, Nesta", he threw her own words back at her.

He paused. His breathing was ragged as he realized how closely they stood next to each other- close enough to share each other's breaths. Nesta was staring at him and he couldn't help but stare back. He studied her face, the curves of her mouth, the elegantly arched brows. The stray strands of golden-brown hair that framed her face. Her grey eyes, glittering with that familiar icy rage.

"Why do you care?", she asked quietly.

He startled. "What?".

She sighed. He watched the way her lips quivered slightly, and he had to clench his fists to resist the urge to touch her.

"Why do you care?", she whispered. "Why do you care if I'm alone? Why do you care if I've lost weight? Why do you care after everything I've put you through? Why do you care when it feels like no one else does?".

He swallowed. He wasn't sure what to say to that. He didn't think he knew the answer himself.

"They do care", he answered . "Feyre, Elain, Amren. Everyone. They all care about you- they're trying to help you".

Nesta shook her head like she thought he wouldn't understand. He probably couldn't- couldn't understand what it was like to be turned into the very thing he hated. Couldn't understand what it was like to lose everything. But he did understand how it felt to be alone, to have to fend for yourself. To not be able to rely on anyone. The years he'd spent in the Illyrian Camps before he met Rhys and Azriel had been the loneliest eight years of his life. But Nesta wasn't alone, not truly. She had her sisters and the Inner Circle. She chose to be alone.

He looked back at Nesta and found her gaze already on him. Her eyes had softened. They seemed gentler, filled with sorrow. He didn't know Nesta could look like that. He didn't know she could look so broken and vulnerable.

He licked his lips unconsciously and Nesta noticed the movement. He leaned in, hesitantly, but Nesta didn't back away. She kept her gaze focused on his mouth as her own lips parted. His eyes slid to those lips and he felt his heart beat faster.

"Nesta", he breathed.

** Nesta's POV **

Her heart pounded against her ribcage so hard she was sure he could hear it. His mouth was inches from hers and it took all her self-control to restrain herself.

She blinked, remembering where she was and who she was with. Remembering she'd be gone by the end of the month.

"No", her voice shook. "No, I-".

She stumbled backwards, tripping on a loose floorboard. Strong arms caught her. Cassian held her to him, his arms banded around her.

"You alright?", he looked concerned.

She pushed him away, but as soon as she did so, she felt something tug at her, pulling her closer to him.

_The bond._

It was more powerful than it'd ever been before, tethering her to him. It had never felt so strong before, so real. It'd been easier to ignore it, to persuade herself she was imagining it but this...

She looked up at him. He was grinning at her like a madman. Her chest hurt, seeing him look at her that way, so full of hope and longing.

"You felt it too?", he asked softly. 

She raised her brows, feigning ignorance, "Felt what?". 

His smile widened, "You know exactly what I'm talking about". 

He took her hands in his, lacing their fingers together. He brushed his lips over her knuckles, murmuring her name.

She swallowed as she fought to keep her voice steady, "You're delusional".

He kissed her palm, "Probably".

What was she doing? Why was she here with him and letting him flirt with her? She couldn't do this to him- lead him on then leave him a month later. She wouldn't do that to him. She had to end things and had to make sure he wouldn't go after her again.

She was about to do just that when Cassian's eyes widened, "Oh, _shit_. I almost forgot. I have to meet Az in a few minutes".

She was flooded with relief. She didn't have to do it now- not yet. Eventually. But for now, she could enjoy the few moments she had left with him.

He blushed, "I don't suppose you would want to come with us?".

"I doubt Azriel would appreciate that", she said dryly.

Cassian bowed, "As you wish. But I'll be coming by later to help you with your things".

"That won't be necessary-"

"Oh, it's absolutely necessary".

"I told you I can handle it myself".

"I'm sure you can".

"I-", her voice faltered as he stepped closer and gently brushed a kiss to her cheek. She felt the heat rush to her face at the proximity of him.

"See you later", he whispered into her ear.

And with that, he spread his wings and flew out the window.


	5. Chapter 5

** Nesta's POV **

That _bastard_. That cocky arrogant Illyrian self-righteous _bastard_. She promised herself to shred him to pieces the next time she saw him.

Her heart was still beating relentlessly from when he'd kissed her. Although, it wasn't really a kiss. It was just a peck on the cheek. It wasn't an actual kiss. Not the way she'd imagined it. Of course, she'd never admit to Cassian that she'd imagined him kissing her. He would never let her live it down.

It didn't matter anyways. This time next month, she'd be gone and he'd never have to see her again. He would forget about her completely and she would live out the rest of her immortal days alone. Admittedly, it wasn't ideal, but it was better than ruining everyone else's lives with her miserable existence.

She put all those thoughts aside and grabbed her coat as she went outside. She didn't have much time before Cassian came back, and she had to start preparing to leave Velaris. She also had to come up with a plan to distract Cassian from what she was doing, which would be difficult to do if he followed her around all day.

She walked along the roads of Velaris. The city was more vibrant than usual. The streets bustled with people going about their day, the restaurants and cafes crowded with customers. Artists gathered at the Rainbow to exchange their artwork, and people stood at the bank of the Sidra, admiring the large ships sailing on the glistening water.

 _Good_ , she thought. It'd be easier to go unnoticed around this many people. Though she stood apart from the rest of the citizens, with her drab coat and the scowl on her face. She tried softening her face into a smile, or at least a neutral expression. She couldn't, and she didn't care enough either. She doubted anyone would approach her anyways.

She stopped in a dark alley, one of the few dark places in the City of Starlight. She stood outside a rickety building, much like her own apartment. Wooden planks were loosely nailed to the walls, and the door seemed to be falling off its hinges. The windows were barred, and cobwebs hung from the porch roof, swaying slightly in the breeze.

She shuddered. She had no desire to step inside the old house, but she forced herself to walk up to the door and knock. She was praying she'd gotten the wrong address and turned to leave, when she heard loud footsteps from the other side.

A cat yowled and an elderly voice screeched, "Ethel! Ethel, get out of there! Ethel, did you hear me? I said get out of there!". Then came the sounds of pots and pans clashing. More hissing and shrieks, followed by, "No, Cora! No! Get your claws off the wall! You! Tom! Stop shredding my couch!".

 _Odd that the fae would have pets_ , she though to herself. She'd never heard or seen of fae possessing pets. Then again, she hadn't been fae for very long.

The sounds of cats fighting and kitchenware breaking subsided, and an old green skinned faerie opened the door. His face was creased with wrinkles, and he had thin, gray hair that stuck to his scalp in patches. His eyebrows were thick and nearly covered his eyes. Eyes that were a soft shade of brown, so at odds with the rest of his features.

He grinned at her, showing off crooked yellow teeth.

Nesta swallowed down her revulsion. "Are you Alatar?". Her voice came out weaker than she would have liked.

His smile broadened, "That's me. Would you like to come in, dear?".

Nesta felt her face pale but followed him inside nonetheless. The door shut behind her with a bang and she yelped.

Alatar furrowed his brows, "Are you alright, dear?".

Nesta nodded. Alatar led her to the kitchen, passing tattered furniture that must have been clawed by cats. Speaking of cats, they were nowhere to be found. She didn't hear a single sound other than the old male's footsteps. She couldn't imagine where they were.

The kitchen was small, with no natural sunlight due to the barred windows. A small lamp overhead cast a yellowish glow on the room. The kitchen was grimy, and the sink was loaded with unwashed dishes. The room smelled faintly of mothballs and cat hair.

Alatar motioned to the small table, "Please, sit down. I'll start a pot of tea".

Nesta sat down hesitantly. "Thank you", she said. Best to be civil with him if she was to get was she wanted.

His back was to her, preparing the kettle as he spoke, "What's your name, child?".

She spoke without hesitation, "Agnes".

The old male cackled loudly as the pot began to whistle, "Alright, _Agnes_ ".

Nesta stiffened. "What?", she asked sharply. Perhaps more sharply than she should have.

Alatar turned to her and smiled brightly, "I know your name isn't Agnes. It's hard to fool someone who's lived as long as I have".

Nesta kept quiet.

"Besides", he went on, "I know who you are. You're Nesta Archeron".

Her eyes widened.

He chortled,"Oh, don't act so surprised. You're quite well known around these parts. The human turned Fae, who took too much from the Cauldron. The lover of the general, who lay beside him in the face of death".

Her face reddened. She hadn't realized anyone spoke those things about her, that anyone even knew who she was. That she had a reputation. Had Cassian known about this and said nothing? She made a mental note to question him later.

"I'd introduce myself, but it seems as though my reputation precedes me", he said.

Nesta nodded absently, "Yes, I've heard a lot about you. You fought in the War, didn't you?".

Alatar smiled faintly, "Fought? No child, I didn't fight. I was merely a shipwright, I was no one of consequence. Albeit I've built some fine vessels in my time, the best of which were used in the War, but I was always in the shadows, working in the background. I was never venerated and honored after the War like the veterans. No one praised my contributions. Oh, but I don't mind. I'm perfectly content with my life. It's all in the past now, anyways. Although, I did meet the High Lord once. Strange fellow. Your general, too, although I doubt either of them would remember me".

 _Your general_. Nesta ignored the words and instead asked, "I didn't see you on the battlefield with Hybern. Were you off building the ships then as well?".

Alatar sat down at the other end of the table and set a cup of tea before her as he sipped from his own, "Oh, no. I'm afraid I stayed here in this house during the battle. I've long since retired my craft. Although I could be persuaded to make an exception. For the right price, of course". 

Nesta opted for silence and moved to pick up her cup, when she felt a brush of fur on her leg. She jumped, nearly causing the table to topple over. A brown cat emerged from underneath, hissing at her, its eyes narrowed to slits.

Alatar chuckled softly, "I see you've met Ethel".

Ethel glared at her indignantly. Nesta glared back, but she picked up the cup again and tried the tea. She tried not to grimace at the taste.

"Ah, yes, she's an elusive one", Alatar said. "Never manage to get her into her cage".

Nesta didn't really care but asked, "Do you keep them all in cages?".

"Of course. Wouldn't want them running off and eating my visitors, now would we?".

Nesta nearly choked on her tea. She set her cup down with shaking hands. "T-they eat your visitors?".

Alatar's eye twinkled with mischief, "Not always. But sometimes I forget to feed them and they get hungry".

Nesta's voice rose slightly higher as she spoke, "I see".

Alatar laughed, "Oh, don't fret child. She won't eat _you._ She doesn't really like eating High Fae, she prefers lesser faeries".

From the hunger she'd seen in Ethel's eyes, she doubted that was true.

Alatar continued, "But I imagine you haven't come to my here to discuss my pets. What brings you here, child?".

Nesta gave up on the tea and set her cup down. She didn't know what to make of the old male. She certainly didn't trust him. He was likely older and more ancient than she could possibly fathom, an old beings were always dangerous. But he could guarantee her safe passage and a way out of the city. He could help her leave without anyone finding out. And he was probably the only person who wouldn't immediately report everything she did to her sister.

She took in a deep breath, "I seek passage out of Velaris".

Alatar quirked a brow, but by the amused expression on his face, he wasn't very surprised.

"And why would you want to leave Velaris", he asked, a malicious smile spreading on his face.

"I have my reasons", she said flatly.

"And I suppose you wouldn't want anyone to know of your departure?".

"I'd appreciate your discretion".

Alatar barked a cold, grating laugh, "Appreciate? I'm afraid appreciation isn't enough, dear. Everything requires a price".

Nesta narrowed her eyes. She didn't like being treated like a child. And she didn't like being treated like a fool.

"I'm prepared to pay you in whatever sum of gold you require".

Alatar grinned,"'Whatever sum of gold I require?'. Desperate, are we? Now why would the Great Nesta Archeron be so desperate to leave this beautiful city? Running from someone? A lover perhaps?".

"My reasons are mine, and mine alone", she said through clenched teeth.

"Gold", he mused, ignoring her. "Yes. I suppose gold will do for a boat". 

Nesta raised her brows, "Only for the boat?".

"My silence is worth more than your gold, dear".

"Then what is it you want in return?". She was starting to get impatient.

Alatar sat back in his chair, raking his gaze over Nesta. She bristled, but kept quiet. He offered her a feline smile.

"There is a medallion in your mate's possession. The Medallion of Nysa. Bring it to me, and you have my oath of silence".

 _Your mate_. The word clanged through her and she struggled to restrain herself from clawing Alatar's eyes out.

"First of all", she growled, "he is _not_ my mate".

Alatar scoffed, "Isn't he?".

She snarled at him, "No, he isn't. Second of all, how the hell am I supposed to know where he keeps it?".

Alatar drank his tea, "You could ask him. He _is_ your mate after all".

Nesta bared her teeth at him.

Alatar simply shrugged, "If you don't like my offer, that's fine. You could go to someone else. But I'm sure they will not hesitate to report your schemes to their High Lord and Lady".

"Fine", she spat. "I'll get your damned medallion. Now swear to me you won't tell anyone what I'm doing".

Alatar flashed his crooked teeth and placed a wrinkled hand over his heart, "I swear".

"You swear what?".

"I swear to repeat to no one what we have spoken of today".

Nesta stood up, "Good. I'll bring you your medallion as soon as I can. But if you so much as breath a word to anyone-".

Her voice faltered as her throat closed up and she gasped for air. She was choking. She was being choked by some invisible force. She looked to Alatar. He hadn't flinched, his gaze hard and merciless as his eyes bored into hers.

"Do not insult me, child. I am far older and far stronger than you are, and I won't tolerate your insolence. I could shatter your soul without batting an eye. Do not think you are in any position of authority with me. Understood?".

Nesta nodded as best she could with the invisible hand crushing her pipes.

"Good", he said.

He released his hold on her and Nesta fell to the ground, coughing and sputtering. Her lungs burned as she groped for air. She stood shakily, clutching the walls to steady herself. Her eyes stung from frustration and shame. She moved to the door slowly, willing her legs to move as fast as she could.

Alatar's voice resonated from behind her, "Till we meet again, Nesta Archeron".

Nesta ignored him, and slammed the door shut as loudly as she could.


	6. Chapter 6

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian flew over the city of Velaris, the afternoon light of the sun warming his wings. Below, the city bustled with life and excitement. He'd just come back from his meeting with Azriel and he was looking for Nesta. He'd flown over Nesta's house earlier, but he hadn't been able to scent her there. He assumed she'd gone out, but it'd be nearly impossible to find her now. He should've asked her where she was going before he left.

He thought back to when he'd asked Nesta if he could help her. Nesta had refused, unsurprisingly, but there'd been something about the way she'd said it that seemed off. With resentment, yes. But also... fear. It was so unlike her to show fear. He couldn't imagine what it was she was hiding.

He shook his head. He was probably jumping to conclusions. It wasn't fair of him to have so little faith in Nesta. He should at least give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Nesta really was handling some sort of affairs. Maybe she really did want to goto the Illyrian Mountains _._

But supposing she were doing something she didn't want to be found. Where would he go if he wanted to do something like that? Where would Nesta go? He racked his brain. If Nesta were in the richer parts of Velaris, she'd be immediately noticed. Everyone knew who Nesta was, what she'd done in the war. If anyone saw her doing anything remotely questionable, they'd likely report it to Rhys or Feyre. Even if Nesta bribed them, they were very loyal to the High Lord and Lady.

But in the deepest, oldest parts of Velaris, in the neighborhoods overrun with poverty and crime, there were a number of fae who would gladly keep their silence for a decent amount of gold. And there were only so many places in the city like that.

He glided towards the darker areas of the city. He scanned the streets and flew overhead a bar, passing a closed restaurant and several abandoned houses. He still couldn't sent her anywhere. He was just about to give up when he spotted a dark alleyway. He'd never noticed it before. It was easy to miss, tucked behind buildings. Not a trace of the life and the laughter that was in the other parts of the city.

He approached the alley carefully. Nesta was here. He was sure of it now. He could scent her clearly, and the bond tugged in response, beckoning him to her.

And there she was. Hands braced on the alley walls, breathing heavily. Her hair was tousled, and her eyes were shut tightly. Her whole body seemed to be shaking.

He was suddenly terrified for her. What had happened to her to rattle her in that way?

He swooped down and landed gracefully on the ground, tucking his wings behind him.

Nesta whirled around, her eyes wide. "Oh, it's just you", she exhaled.

Cassian walked closer, "Were you expecting anyone else?".

"No, I just- no, not really". She still seemed to be struggling to breath.

He neared her cautiously, and placed his hand on her back, gently rubbing to soothe her. He wasn't sure how she would react to him touching her. He wasn't blind. He knew she hadn't reacted well when she'd felt the bond. He imagined Nesta wanted nothing to do with him now.

But she didn't flinch from his touch. So he used his other hand to pull her hair away from her face and tuck it behind her ears. His heart beat faster every time they touched. To touch her, even this much. It felt like a blessing. He wanted more- of course he wanted more. But mostly he wanted what she wanted. And if she wasn't ready, or if she chose not to accept the bond, he would understand. It would hurt, more than he could possibly imagine, but he'd understand.

But he would never stop loving her. He'd love her as long as he lived.

Nesta's breathing eventually steadied.

He frowned, remembering they were in a dark alley in the middle of nowhere, all alone. "Are you alright? What happened? What were you doing? Why were you even here in the first place?".

Nesta glared, "Maybe if you stopped bombarding me with questions, I'd tell you".

Cassian crossed his arms, then regretted it, wanting to touch her again. "Fine, then tell me".

Nesta drew in a shaky breath and said, "I was visiting an old friend".

Cassian raised a brow, "Here?".

"Is that so surprising?".

He snorted, "What's more surprising is the fact that you have friends. Since when did that happen?".

Color rose to Nesta's cheeks, and he took a small bit of satisfaction in seeing her squirm. She started walking out of the alley as she spoke, "As a matter of fact, I do have friends. Several of them".

He followed her, grinning, "I suppose I'm not included in your long list of friends?".

Nesta smiled unkindly, "No, you're not".

Cassian didn't buy it. Nesta avoided people at all costs, unless it was to sleep with them. And even her living conditions were better than some of the houses in this alley.

He scratched his head, "So, uh, who's this friend of yours? What's his name?".

"Albus".

"I've never heard of any Albus living in Velaris".

"Well, you can't possibly know every single person living in Velaris".

"Why did you go see him?".

"I wanted to catch up. As I said, he's an old friend and it's been a while since we saw each other".

"What did you talk about?".

She narrowed her eyes, "What is this, an interrogation? You're acting like I murdered someone!".

"For all I know, you _did_ murder someone, since you refuse to answer anything honestly". He sniffed, "And why do you smell like cat hair?".

She groaned and quickened her pace. He jogged to catch up to her. "It's just a question".

"Bastard", she muttered.

"I'm a bastard, but at least I'm honest", he argued.

"Why do you think I'm lying? Is it so hard to believe I talk to other people than your Inner Circle of Idiots?"

Cassian snickered. _Inner Circle of Idiots_. He'd tell Amren that one later.

He didn't believe Nesta. Not one bit. Everything she did seemed to confirm his own suspicions. But if he was going to figure out what she was hiding, he'd have to make her think he believed her. He wasn't exactly being subtle at the moment.

He sighed, "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just surprised".

Nesta grumbled something inaudible.

Cassian sighed again, "How about we forget this ever happened? Let's pretend we're perfectly normal people, walking on the streets of Velaris and having a pleasant, civilized conversation".

"Whatever", Nesta mumbled.

They walked in silence for a few moments. They were in the better parts of Velaris again, walking along the Sidra. He winced as he remembered the gift he'd thrown there. He steered them towards a park, wanting to get away from the river. They walked along the path, continuing their silence. He looked around, spotting children playing in the grass and couples having picnics. He envied them. He envied their happiness, the simplicity of their lives. He didn't blame Nesta for the complications in their relationship, they'd both been through a lot. But he still envied them.

Nesta's eyes lit up suddenly, as if remembering something.

"I wanted to ask you something", she said.

He braced himself for whatever she was going to ask.

Nesta bit her lip, "Have you heard of the Medallion of Nysa?".

Cassian frowned.

Nesta studied his face, looking deflated, "So, you haven't?".

Cassian was still frowning, "Oh, of course I have. I was just disappointed by your question. I was expecting something along the lines of, 'Hey Cassian, I just wanted to ask if you've ever noticed how unbelievably attractive you are?'. And then I would answer with, 'Why, yes, Nesta. I actually have noticed. Although, I'm surprised it took you this long to realize it.' And you would either glare at me or roll your eyes. You'd probably manage to do both, but-".

Nesta scowled, "Are you done daydreaming?".

Cassian scowled back, "No, actually, I wasn't done. And if you'd kindly let me return to my daydreaming-".

"Whatever, Cassian, I just asked about the Medallion. I don't need to hear every single thought that goes through your brain. Assuming you even have one".

Cassian felt himself grinning like an idiot. She'd never said his name before. Not once. For some reason, she always refused to address him as anything other than "bastard" or "idiot".

Nesta's scowl deepened, "What's gotten into you?".

He smiled brighter, "You said my name".

She rolled her eyes, "Yes, and you said mine. It's not a big deal".

"It is for me".

She looked away but he could've sworn he saw her blush.

He stopped to look around. They stood in a clearing, in a sea of daffodils. He hadn't noticed how deep they'd gone into the park. There were no sounds but the chirping of birds and the wind rustling the grass. He lay down, resting his hands behind his head. He looked up at the sky, taking in the scent of the flowers. At the sun, slowly sinking behind the mountains.

Nesta sat down beside him, running her hands through the grass. He gazed at her, at the sunlight glinting off her golden skin, at her hair flapping gently in the wind. She looked so angelic, so unlike herself. As he looked at her, he realized he'd be perfectly content spending the rest of his life here, alone with her.

He plucked a daffodil off the ground, twirling it in his finger, "You asked about the Medallion?".

Strange that she'd ask about the Medallion. He'd nearly forgotten about it.

She met his gaze, then looked back down, toying with the grass again. "Yes", she said quietly.

"What do you want to know about it?", he plucked a petal off the flower.

She watched his fingers take each petal off, "What does it do?".

He tossed the stem of the daffodil aside and picked up another one, "Oh, it's useless really. It's just an old relic that's been passed down in Rhys's family for generations. He didn't know what to do with it, so he'd asked me to keep it for him. I think it used to be a symbol, represented something in the days before Prythian had High Lords. I've forgotten honestly".

"Can I see it?", Nesta asked hopefully.

"Oh, I lost it ages ago. I don't think I'll ever see it again".

A lie. He felt bad about it, but he couldn't let Nesta have it, not until he knew why she wanted it. It was too random to be something to casually come up in conversation. And he couldn't just hand over the Medallion, anyways. The medallion itself was useless, but it was still powerful. It represented something powerful. A time of anarchy and rebellion, before there were High Lords ruling Prythian.

"Why do you ask?", Cassian wondered aloud.

Nesta was unable to meet his gaze. "I don't know, really. I think I read about it somewhere and I was curious", she said.

Cassian nodded. Nesta watched the movement, the bob of his throat. She seemed unconvinced that he'd bought it.

Cassian plucked another daffodil off the ground, one with beautiful yellow and orange petals. He sat up, and reached to tuck the flower behind her ear. It contrasted perfectly with her golden hair.

He lay down again, admiring her. He was hurt she was hiding things from him, but he still loved her. And whatever she was going through, he wasn't going to let her go through it alone.

Nesta stood up suddenly, brushing the grass from her dress. She didn't touch the flower in her hair, or seem to notice it.

"It's getting late. I should probably go". Her voice was cold again.

Cassian smiled sadly. He wished he could spend all day with her.

"I'll walk you home", he said. Nesta didn't object.

They went back through the garden, the children and couples gone. They walked through the streets in silence, until they stood at the door to her apartment.

Cassian leaned against the wall, watching as Nesta rifled through her keys and unlocked the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow?", he asked.

Nesta turned to face him, wringing her hands.

She hesitated, "Um, sure. Yes".

He wanted to ask about earlier, about the bond. But he was afraid to push her, he was afraid of what she might say. He was afraid she would reject him, reject the bond. He was a coward. But at the moment, he didn't care if he was a coward.

So Cassian said nothing as Nesta closed the door and he turned to leave.


	7. Chapter 7

** Nesta's POV **

Nesta paced her apartment, her loud footsteps resonating in the empty room. So much had happened, she didn't even know where to begin. First, Feyre and Rhys forcing her to go to the Mountains. Then Cassian and the bond. Then Alatar and his stupid medallion. And then Cassian again.

 _What I wouldn't give for a beer right now_ , she thought.

It was tempting. But if she started, she wouldn't know how to stop. And then she'd spend all her allowance on alcohol and not have enough money left for the million other things she still had to do before she left.

She nearly collapsed onto the bed from exhaustion.

 _Tomorrow_ , she thought. _Tomorrow she would deal with everything_.

She fell asleep instantly.

~

Nesta woke up the next day with a splintering headache. She rubbed at her temple, willing it to go away and walked to her mirror. She combed her hair with her fingers and got dressed. She prayed Cassian wouldn't show up insisting on accompanying her everywhere. It'd be impossible to get anything done with him around.

She'd thought a lot about what she was going to do about the Medallion, between the thoughts of Cassian that seemed to worm their way into everything she did and said. Originally, she planned on going to Alatar to tell him she couldn't find the Medallion, but she wouldn't beg him. Not in a million years. And although she didn't like to admit, she was afraid of him.

If Cassian had lost it, she'd track it herself. She'd go to a witch and pay her for a tracking spell. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too far and she'd be able to track it. Hopefully.

She walked the same route she did yesterday, but instead of veering off into the alley, she went further, until she came across a small abandoned cottage.

She'd have to be more careful this time. Cassian had caught her off guard yesterday, and she couldn't let that happen again. She knew he hadn't really believed her. He hadn't pushed her about it any further, so she hoped he'd given up. Or better yet, forgotten about it altogether. But she doubted he would forget something like that so easily. He'd probably ask her about it again at some point, and she'd need a better excuse. But that was a problem for a different time.

She knocked on the cottage door. As soon as she did, the door flew open and an old female stepped onto the porch.

The witch wore a black dress that was old and torn, with pointed black shoes. Her hair was a dull grey, pulled tightly back into a bun. She was horribly thin, with pasty skin and dark eyes devoid of any emotion.

The old crone pointed a crooked finger at her, "Who are you and what do you want?".

Nesta swallowed, "My name is Nesta Archeron". There wasn't any point in anonymity at this point if everyone recognized her.

The witch cackled, "Ah, yes. Nesta Archeron. I'm afraid my eyes aren't what they used to be". She examined her more closely, squinting at her, "I've heard of a lot about you".

"Who hasn't?", Nesta muttered.

The witch didn't seem to hear her, "Yes... Nesta Archeron...A fellow witch, I see?".

Nesta wasn't sure what to say to that.

The witch went on, "I can sense it on you. The power you have. You took too much from the Cauldron, didn't you?".

Nesta averted her eyes.

"Well, come on in", she beckoned, holding the door open for Nesta, "Any witch is welcome in my house".

Nesta hesitated, but eventually followed her inside, "I didn't realize witches were so welcoming to others of their kind".

The witch cackled again, "Most aren't. But I don't mind. It gets quite lonely around here".

Nesta nodded, but she was still unconvinced. Maybe she was a fool for being here alone, with no one knowing where she was. Anything could happen to her and no one would know where to find her. But at the moment, she was willing to take that risk. She needed to get out of Velaris as soon as possible.

The witch led her into her house, then took her down a set of stairs that led to a basement. The room was large and spacious. Herbs and roots were shelved onto the walls, alongside potions and other magical objects. Stacks of books and manuscripts were strewn across the floor and in the middle was... a _cauldron_. A black cauldron stood in the middle of the room, some unknown liquid bubbling inside it.

Nesta shuddered and suppressed the urge to throw up. She looked away and tried to calm herself, clenching her hands into fists to keep them from shaking.

_It was just a cauldron. Just a cauldron. She wasn't going to drown in it. It was even big enough for her to fit inside it. It was just a cauldron._

"Why have you come here, Nesta Archeron?", the witch asked, unaware of Nesta's thoughts.

Nesta drew in a shaky breath, "I need a spell to help me track something".

"What do you need found?"

"I'd rather not say"

"Spells are very specific. You'll have to disclose at least a few details"

Nesta sighed, "It's a medallion. It belonged to my sister's mate".

The witch drummed her fingers on the rim of her cauldron, "The Medallion of Nysa".

Nesta nodded, turning to the wall to avoid looking at the witch and the cauldron beside her.

"Now why would you want a thing like that?", she mused.

"Do you need to know for the spell or are you just being a busybody?", Nesta retorted.

The old female grinned, showing off sharp, pointed teeth, "No harm in being curious". 

Nesta went on, "How much do you want for it?".

"I don't want anything. I'll give it to you for free"

Nesta frowned, "Really?".

"Yes. Consider it a peace offering. I don't wan't to make an enemy out of you. Actually, I'd like to help you. I doubt you've come across many other witches during your time in Velaris. There's much I can teach you, if you're willing to embrace your powers".

"I-I'm not sure that's a good idea", Nesta stuttered.

The thought of embracing her powers, embracing that she was Fae and witch and some other anomaly. No, she couldn't. She hated the Fae. She hated witches. She hated her powers. She hated everything about her new body and who she was.

And she couldn't embrace her powers. Because embracing her powers would be so much more than that. It would be embracing the mating bond, embracing her new life. It would mean staying in Velaris, and accepting everything that had happened to her. She couldn't. She couldn't be content with this life and accept it, the way Elain and Feyre had. She couldn't move on, not after all that she had been through.

The witch turned to her cauldron, grabbing a large spoon to stir its contents, "You do know you'll go insane if you suppress your powers, don't you?".

Nesta said nothing, unable to form words.

The witch walked over to the wall and grabbed a small vial off a shelf. She turned towards Nesta, and pressed it into her palm, "Pour this over something that belongs to your sister's mate, and it will direct you to the object you seek".

Nesta turned it over in her palm and watched the clear liquid inside it slosh around. She still wasn't sure she could trust the witch. It all seemed too good to be true. She might be trying to trick her, or fool her into some bargain. Or the spell might not even work and evaporate any chances she had of finding the Medallion.

But her instincts told her the witch was being honest, and that she truly wanted to help her. She prayed her instincts were right.

Nesta thanked the witch and turned to leave, desperately trying to get away from the cauldron. She was struggling to breathe. Its presence was suffocating her and she thought she might go out of her mind if she stayed a minute longer. But the witch spoke again, "My door is always open to you, Archeron. If you ever change your mind-".

Nesta interrupted her, "Thank you for the offer. And thank you for the spell. But I don't think I need to use my powers".

The witch nodded, and Nesta could've sworn she saw disappointment on her face. But she left without another word.

She walked down the streets of Velaris lost in thought. She had a new problem. How was she supposed to take something of Rhys's without him noticing? That was going to be nearly impossible. And where was she even going to find something of Rhys's? At the townhouse or at the riverfront estate, perhaps? But she couldn't just invite herself over without looking extremely suspicious.

She supposed she could ask Cassian to invite her. But Cassian clearly didn't trust her, and if she asked him to invite her so brazenly, it would lead to too many questions.

She sighed. She'd probably have to go to Feyre. She'd probably be the only one willing to believe her and the only one who wouldn't tell the others it was her idea to come over.

She stuffed her hands in her pockets and turned down the street towards the riverfront estate.

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian stood in the dark alley again, dreading the thought of stepping inside the old house. Nesta would probably kill him if she found out he was here. But he couldn't help himself. He knew she'd been lying yesterday. 

He went up to the building hesitantly. Even from here he could hear the sounds of cats screeching and someone yelling. Now he knew why Nesta had smelled like cat hair the other day.

He knocked twice. Loud footsteps headed in his direction. He winced as a voice screamed, "Ethel, calm down or I'll put you back in your cage!".

The door creaked open and an old faerie with greenish skin greeted him. His eyes lit up in recognition.

Cassian waved, "Hello".

The old male bowed, "General! What an honor to meet you".

He smiled awkwardly, "Oh, please, you don't have to bow".

"Forgive me, I suppose I am a bit old fashioned. Would you like to come inside?".

Cassian nodded politely and followed the faerie inside. He led him into a kitchen and motioned for him to sit down at a small table. He glanced around the room. The sink was filled with loads of unwashed dishes and for some reason all the windows were barred. A cat, who he assumed was Ethel, sniffed him as he went by.

"What can I do for you, general?", the male asked.

Cassian cleared his throat, "My friend came here the other day and I was wondering if you'd spoken to her?".

The old male mused, "Your friend? I don't think so. No friend of yours stopped by my house yesterday".

Albus tilted his head and a smile slowly spread on his face, "Oh, did you mean your mate? Yes, your mate was here yesterday".

Cassian winced.

Albus turned to a kettle on the counter, "Word gets around. Can I offer you some tea?".

"No, thank you".

He shrugged, "Suit yourself".

"So, um, what's your name?". Cassian sighed. He wasn't really one for subtlety. He was better with weapons than with people anyways.

Albus raised his brows, "Your mate didn't tell you?".

Cassian winced again.

Albus smiled without warmth, "My apologies. Nesta".

He shook his head.

"My name is Alatar".

"Oh, really?".

Alatar chuckled, "What did Nesta say it was?".

"Albus"

He chuckled again, "What else did she say about me?".

"She said you were old friends and that she'd come to visit you"

"Did she now?"

Cassian nodded.

Alatar sipped from his tea, "And you don't believe her?".

Cassian crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall, "I didn't say that".

"You didn't have to"

"I do trust her, I'm just curious"

Alatar snorted, "If you say so".

Cassian glared at him.

Alatar waved him off, "But if you're so desperate to know, yes, Nesta and I are old friends. We met a few months ago".

The Illyrian raised his brows, "How did you meet?".

"I think it was at a bar... or perhaps at a restaurant, I'm not sure. I don't quite remember".

"And what did you talk about when she came here yesterday?"

Alatar raised his teacup again, lost in thought. "She just came to talk. Not about anything in particular. She probably just wanted to have a conversation with someone. I don't think she talks to many people".

Cassian was a little stung Nesta hadn't come to him. He was more than happy to talk to Nesta, about anything. He tried to push those thoughts away and concentrate on his current situation. Nesta had lied about Alatar's real name. Not that he'd expected any different from her. But what Alatar had said lined up with what Nesta had told him. So maybe she had been telling the truth.

Unless he was in on it. And he was lying for her.

No. That was stupid and paranoid and he was probably just too arrogant to admit that he had been wrong. There was no way Nesta would do something like that.

But all that still didn't explain her interest in the Medallion.

"Have you heard of the medallion of Nysa?", Cassian asked.

The male gave him a sly smile, "I have, yes".

"What do you know about it?"

"Not much, really. I know it's a very old and powerful object, but that's just about it"

Cassian didn't believe him, but he didn't want to push him any further. It was getting late, anyways. And he wanted to check up on Nesta. "I should leave soon. I'm sorry to have bothered you".

Alatar chuckled, "You weren't bothering me at all. You're always welcome here, General".

Cassian thanked him and left the old house. 


	8. Chapter 8

***Mature scene ahead. You've been warned***

** Nesta's POV **

She paced her apartment frantically, her footsteps creaking loudly on the floor.

_Where was Cassian?_

It was nearly sunset and it'd been hours since she'd come back from the estate.

She tried not to be hurt that Cassian hadn't showed up. She told herself it didn't matter. He didn't have any reason to show up when she constantly told him to leave her alone. She shouldn't be surprised. Cassian had no obligation to visit her everyday. He wasn't indebted to her. He didn't have to come.

But he did come. He had come everyday since she'd said she would go to the Illyrian Mountains.

But why did he come? Did he truly want to see her? Was it out of pity?

She shook her head in disgust. The thought of him pitying her, of anyone feeling _sorry_ for her. It made her sick.

She heard a knock on the door and jumped.

_Cassian._

She walked to the entrance and quickly undid all four locks.

She swung the door open and found him standing there, smiling at her, "That was fast".

She crossed her arms, "Where have you been all day?".

His smile widened, "Did you miss me?".

"Of course not"

"What did _you_ do all day?"

"Stop trying to change the subject", she growled. "Where have you been?".

He tilted his head, studying her, "I was helping Az with some things".

"Liar", she purred.

"Well, where do you think I was?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking you"

"I already told you where I was"

"I don't believe you"

"Fine, don't believe me"

She stared him down, "What aren't you telling me?".

"There's nothing I haven't told you", he glowered.

"I doubt that".

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, "And what if I _was_ hiding something from you? Why should I tell you these things when you hide everything from me?".

"So you admit that you're hiding something?".

He groaned, "No! No, I'm not hiding anything! What would I even hide from you?".

She didn't know what he would hide from her; he had no reason to hide anything. But she knew there was something he wasn't telling her, something he felt guilty about. She felt it in the bond. 

"Fine", she said. "Don't tell me. But I promise you, I _will_ find out what it is, sooner rather than later".

The corner of his mouth tilted upwards, "Fine. Let me know when you have your breakthrough".

"Don't worry, I will", she snarled. 

Cassian walked past her into the apartment and flopped down onto the bed. He grinned at her, "In the meantime, why don't you tell me where you've been today?".

He held up his hands, "No, wait. Let me guess. You were visiting some other random person that you're going to pretend is your friend".

Nesta rolled her eyes, "Yes, that sounds about right".

"When were you going to tell me about all your mysterious friends?"

"Preferably never. But since you follow me everywhere I don't seem to have a choice".

"I don't follow you everywhere-"

"Yes, you do"

"No, I don't"

"Are you sure about that?"

"Positive"

Nesta sighed. Cassian crossed his arms and smirked, "Nesta dear, do you do anything other than arguing with people?". 

Nesta ignored him and went to draw the window curtains. She felt Cassian's eyes on her, and when she turned back towards him his eyes had darkened. 

"Nesta", he asked quietly, "have you been eating enough?".

"I've been eating fine", she bit back.

He snorted, "Clearly".

Her face burned, "Have you come here just to insult me?".

"It's not an insult", he said slowly. "It's an observation".

"Why don't you go observe other people?"

The bed creaked as he stood up and came towards her. He stopped just inches from her face.

"I can't", he breathed.

"Why not?", she asked.

He ran a hand through his hair, "I- I don't know. I can't stay away from you. I can't stop thinking about you. I've tried to stay away from you. Believe me, I've tried".

"Try harder". She hated herself for saying it. 

"No, I won't. Because I don't want to stay away from you anymore. I want to be with you. I want to wake up beside you every morning and I want to go to sleep beside you every night. I-".

"Cassian"

But he ignored her and went on, "I want to spend every minute of my day with you. I want to see you smiling and laughing, and I want it to be because of me, because you feel something for me. I want to see you happy because that's all I've ever wanted for you".

"C-cassian, stop", she stammered.

He moved forward suddenly and cupped her face in his hands. Her heart was beating violently and she thought she might have a heart attack. Everything was going so horribly wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to stay away from Cassian. He was supposed to forget about her and move on. She was supposed to do the same. Because she'd be leaving at the end of the month and she'd never see him again.

He brushed the pad of his thumb on her cheek, "Nesta", he breathed. "Nesta, I don't think I could live without you".

"Cassian, stop it", she cut him off sharply. "Why are you telling me all this?".

"Because you feel something for me. I know you do. I can't be the only one-".

"What are you talking about? I couldn't care less about you".

"That's not true"

"Yes, it is"

"It's not, I can feel it in the bond"

"What?", her throat seized up.

He looked away from her, "I can feel it sometimes. When you're around me. I can feel your emotions. Especially the ones you don't want others to know about".

"No. No, that's not possible. You don't know what you're saying". 

He took her hands in his and pulled her closer to him, his warm breath caressing her face. "Whatever you say".

"You _are_ delusional. You are insane if you think I care about you, if you think you mean anything to me-"

Her breath caught in her throat as he leaned forward and met her lips with his. His lips were soft against her own, gentle and hesitant. Then he began kissing her more deeply, hungry and desperate. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, as if he was afraid she might vanish into mist. He threaded his fingers in her hair and buried his face in the crook of her neck, trailing kisses along her throat and shoulder.

Her heart was thundering in her rib cage. She felt delirious and dazed, and she couldn't focus on anything but his warm body against hers and his mouth on her skin. His lips were scorching wherever they touched her. She thought she might burn alive from this, from him. 

The bond felt stronger than ever, and she could feel each of Cassian's emotions passing through it. 

She gave in. She didn't care about leaving at the end of the month, she didn't care about anything else in the world beside this moment. All she could think about was needing this, needing him so desperately, she couldn't hold herself back anymore.

She pushed him against the wall, and slowly began unbuttoning his shirt and removing his fighting leathers. He shrugged them off, revealing his broad, sculpted chest. She ran her hand along the whorls of black ink decorating his arms and torso. She tilted her head to look up at him, and brought up a hand to trace his lips, his nose, his brows. She stared into his eyes, captivated by the rich hazel color.

He grinned, "Are you done admiring me, Nesta?".

She kissed his chest. "Not even close".

He smiled wider and smoothly spun her around, reversing their positions and pinning her against the wall. She wrapped her legs around his waist and dug her nails into his back, pulling him closer and bringing his mouth to hers again. He slid his arms around her waist and started unfastening her dress, pulling it off her to expose her breasts.

"Cassian", she pleaded.

She shuddered as he ran his hand up and down her bare thigh, his calluses scraping against her skin. A breathless moan escaped her lips as his hand inched upwards, so close to where she wanted him. She ran her fingers through his silken hair, savoring the feel of him. 

"Do that again", he whispered.

"Do what?"

"Say my name"

She smiled in a way she hadn't in a long time.

"Cassian", she breathed. "Cassian". She said it over and over again, as if reciting a prayer she had forgotten.

He smiled against her skin, and she breathed in the scent of him, so overwhelming and delightful she thought she might faint. She leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes, as he kissed her collarbone and began moving downwards, so painfully slowly.

His hand traveled down the slope of her breast, the other drawing lazy circles on her stomach. He leaned down and his mouth replaced where his fingers had been moments before, each lick of his tongue setting her skin ablaze. He murmured her name between each kiss and she smiled like she'd never smiled before.

She was going to fall apart. She was going to fall apart into pieces right there. She didn't know how she'd gone her whole life without this, without him, without his touch. She didn't think she could ever go back to a life without him. 

She opened her eyes to find him grinning at her so maniacally, she couldn't help but grin back. He kissed her forehead, resting his brow against hers as he said, "You have no idea how many times I've dreamed of this".

He brushed his mouth against hers but she pulled back to ask, "You dream about me?"

He nipped at her ear, "Maybe" 

She sighed.

He kissed the corner of her mouth. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Have you ever dreamed about me?"

She averted her eyes, "No".

He brought his mouth to her ear and whispered, "I know for a fact that's a lie"

"How do you know?", she felt heat rise to her cheeks.

"I felt it down the bond one night"

She frowned. "How is that even possible?"

"It's not. I didn't actually feel anything, I just wanted to see you admit you dream about me"

He was baiting her, she realized. _Insufferable prick_.

She punched him in the arm. Hard.

He scowled, "Ow".

She smirked.

He kissed the hollow of her throat, "Come now, Nessie. I thought we were past all that"

"If you ever call me that again, I _will_ throttle you"

"I'd like to see you try"

She didn't have a response to that so she leaned forward and bit his lower lip. She shuddered as he groaned into her mouth. She arched her back slightly and Cassian chuckled at the silent command, bringing his mouth to her chest and kissing her in between her breasts.

She sighed. She felt giddy and lightheaded. No male had ever made her feel this way. She felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Like all her problems had vanished. 

She frowned. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. She felt as though she were forgetting something. 

And then everything came rushing back to her, how she was leaving at the end of the month, how she was going to search for the medallion. How she'd never see him again. What the hell was she doing? 

She pushed him away and gasped, "Cassian, stop". 


	9. Chapter 9

** Nesta's POV (cont'd.) **

No. No, this couldn't be happening. This wasn't happening.

He paused. "What's wrong? Did I do something?".

He watched her intently as she pulled her dress back over her shoulders, "I don't want to do this anymore".

Cassian nodded, "That's fine. What do you want to do?"

She couldn't believe she'd gotten so carried away, managed to forget everything that had happened in the past few days. She shouldn't have let herself even be near him. Everything had gone wrong, so terribly wrong. She had to leave. She didn't have a choice. She couldn't let him distract her like this again.

She merely said, "I- I don't know, I just think we should stay away from each other"

He didn't bother hiding the pain in his eyes. "Why?"

She didn't deserve Cassian. She didn't deserve her sisters, she didn't deserve to be happy. She didn't deserve anything, after sitting idly by for years while Feyre kept them alive. And she didn't deserve Cassian after the way she had treated him.

"I don't have to explain myself to you", she snapped at him.

She was panicking. She was panicking and she was spiraling down into a hole that she couldn't seem to dig herself out of.

He shrugged, "I need a reason, Nesta. You can't expect me to just stay away from you without an explanation after everything that just happened".

She turned away from him and started pacing the room again. Cassian wouldn't stop coming after her and it was her own damned fault. She'd let this go on for too long. She shouldn't have let him visit her in the first place. She shouldn't have allowed him to to follow her everywhere. And to make matters worse, he'd kissed her and she'd let him kiss her and she'd led him on, which was the exact thing she'd sworn she'd never do. But Cassian wasn't going to stop, not unless...

She had to make him hate her. 

She was going to make Cassian hate her as much as she hated herself.

She turned to look at him. He had his shirt and leathers back on, and was keeping a respectable distance from her. She couldn't let Cassian know what she felt for him. She couldn't let him feel her emotions through the bond. So she summoned every bit of anger she could and willed that icy cold back into her eyes.

She thought of the King of Hybern and what he had done to her, what he had forced her to become. She thought of her father, how he had done nothing for years, then died before she had a chance to tell him how she felt. She thought of Tomas, how he'd terrified her in those few moments before she was able to escape.

She looked Cassian dead in the eyes.

"You want a reason?", she prowled closer to him. "Fine, I'll give you a reason. Like I said earlier, I don't care about you, I don't think about you, and I don't want to be with you. You mean nothing to me. You are nothing to me. You're just a low born bastard Illyrian who's too arrogant to admit to himself that he's not wanted. I don't give a damn if we're mates or if we have a bond. I don't give a damn if you feel anything for me. I want nothing to do with you or any of your kind. You can go to Hell for all I care". 

Cassian stared at her in stunned silence. Pain and despair and an unbearable sort of agony she'd never felt before came from his end of the bond. 

She felt her heart shatter into a million pieces.

He looked down, his voice barely more than a whisper, "I see".

He swallowed, "I guess I'll leave then".

"Good"

She watched him cross the room, gently closing the door behind him. She heard the beating of wings as he took off and flew away.

He didn't look back at her once.

She buried her face in her hands and sank to the ground.

** Cassian's POV **

His eyes stung. His breathing was uneven and he couldn't seem to calm himself. His hands wouldn't stop shaking and his heart was still beating wildly from when she'd touched him. When she'd smiled at him and said his name. When she'd looked at him like he was the only person in the world.

He'd never felt this kind of pain before. This kind of unbearable aching in his soul that wouldn't leave him no matter how hard he tried. Every instinct roared at him to go back to her, to touch her, even if he had to beg. He wanted to talk to her, to see her, to be with her. He wanted to stroke her hair and hear her voice. He wanted to hold her and see her smile at him. 

He couldn't get her out of his head. One moment she'd looked at him with such intense desire, and the next her eyes were cold, devoid of any emotion.

He realized that in his 500 years of existence he'd never truly been heartbroken until now.

He forced his feet to move faster as he left the apartment. He took off and flew back to the riverfront estate. He didn't have anywhere else to go after all.

He walked into the study to find Feyre, Mor and Azriel talking. Well, it was mostly Feyre talking and Azriel brooding in the corner and staring at Mor.

Feyre noticed him first. "Cassian, great you're here! We've been talking about tomorrow and we couldn't decide whether to-"

"What do you mean? What's happening tomorrow?"

She frowned. "Nesta didn't tell you?"

His heart throbbed at the memory of Nesta. Of her slender hands on his chest, her hot mouth against his-

"No, she didn't."

"Oh, that's odd. Well, Nesta's coming over for dinner tomorrow night."

He gaped at her, "What?"

His pulse began to quicken. He desperately wanted to see Nesta again, despite all his suspicions. He needed to see her. Even if it was only for an hour. Even if she completely ignored him. He'd trade anything in the world for another moment with her. 

Feyre smile mischievously, "You spend so much time with her and yet you have no idea that she's coming over? What do you do you even do together anyway?"

He looked away from her, worried she might be able to read the emotions on his face, to find Mor watching him carefully. Her face was unreadable, but she clearly didn't look happy. She hadn't said a word to him since he'd arrived.

 _Mor_. Gods, he didn't want Mor to know about everything going on between him and Nesta. How he'd touched her and what he'd said to her. He knew Mor didn't approve of Nesta and didn't want her anywhere near him. He imagined she wasn't particularly happy about Nesta dining with them.

He cleared his throat, desperate to change the subject, "What, she just invited herself over?"

He smelled the lie when Feyre took a second too long to respond, "I invited her, actually."

He raised his brows, "And she accepted?"

Feyre's voice rose a little. "Yes."

Not only was Nesta coming to dinner, but she had invited herself over. Why would Nesta do something like that? She couldn't stand Feyre or anyone else in the inner circle. She barely tolerated him.

He felt all his suspicions about her resurfacing. He scolded himself for it. That was the last thing he should be thinking about after everything that happened.

Maybe she _was_ trying to become closer with the Inner Circle. Maybe she really was trying to change and give up her old habits. He hadn't seen her drinking in a while, and he hadn't smelled anyone else in her apartment.

He clenched his teeth. The thought of anyone else touching her, holding her the way he had. The thought of her smiling at anyone else the way she had smiled at him...

He shook his head. It didn't make any sense. Nesta had avoided everyone from the Inner Circle since she'd agreed to go to the mountains, she wouldn't suddenly change her mind. And then she'd said those words to him...

Had she really meant what she'd said to him? 

He wondered if he should stay away from her when she'd asked him to. If she truly hated him that much, he wouldn't force her to spend time with him. But he couldn't leave her completely alone. Not yet. Not until he understood why she was acting the way she was and he knew she was fine.

He looked to Azriel whose eyes were still on Mor, "What do you make of all this?"

The shadowsinger shrugged halfheartedly, "I suppose it's a good thing, isn't it?"

No one said anything.

He glanced at Mor again, who was being unnervingly quiet. She wasn't watching him anymore, but she was staring at the ground.

"What about you, Mor?"

She folded her arms against her chest and leaned back on the couch. "I guess it couldn't hurt", she muttered.

He sighed. He wished his life wasn't so complicated. 

** Nesta's POV **

She woke up right before sunset. It'd been a day since everything that had happened with Cassian. She hadn't heard a word from him since. He hadn't come to see her.

She stood in front of her mirror, in the plainest, simplest dress she could find. She somehow managed to look even worse than yesterday. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her face was even more lifeless than it'd been before. She didn't recognize the woman staring back at her.

She was going to the estate tonight. It'd be impossible to avoid him there. To avoid what she'd done. A part of her was happy to see Elain again; it'd been weeks since she'd seen her.

But she didn't want to see Cassian. She didn't think she could ever face him again after everything she'd said. He'd probably never talk to her again either. Which was what she wanted, of course. She couldn't have him around if she was to leave at the end of the month. It was for the better.

She didn't want to see Feyre either. Or Amren. Or anyone else in the Inner Circle. She didn't have the patience to deal with them. They'd probably chastise her for something or ignore her altogether. 

She was used to the comfortable isolation of her apartment. She enjoyed it even. She didn't need friends or a family or anything else. She was only a burden anyway. She had always been a burden. 

She tried to focus and put those thoughts aside. She wasn't going there for Cassian or Feyre or anyone else in the inner circle. She was there to retrieve an item of Rhys's. That was all she had to do. Then she'd use the potion to find the Medallion. Then she'd give it to Alatar. And then she would leave and it would all be over.

She ran through the list over again in her head to memorize each step.

It would all be over soon.

She walked down the street to the estate and knocked on the door.


	10. Chapter 10

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian watched her walk into the room.

She greeted Feyre, then wordlessly strode into the dining room.

She didn't say anything to him, she didn't even look at him.

He had to clench his hands to keep himself from accidentally touching her.

Cassian followed them into the dining hall; almost everyone else was already there. Rhys sat at the head of the table, an empty chair beside him, which he assumed was Feyre's. To his left sat Amren and Mor. On the other side of the table was Azriel and two empty chairs. For Elain and Nesta.

As if his thoughts had summoned her, Elain came bounding down the stairs. She ran to Nesta and threw her arms around her neck, embracing her. Nesta's eyes softened and wrapped her arms around her in return.

Elain smiled at her and took her hand, "Come on. I put your seat next to mine."

Elain sat down next to Az and Nesta took the chair beside her. Feyre had taken up her spot next to Rhys, which left only one chair. At the other end of the table. Next to Nesta.

He walked to the table and sat down. He looked to his left at Nesta again, but she was staring at her empty plate. Servants came in with platters of food, placing them on the table and refilling drinks. Nesta made no move to pick up her drink, only staring at the wine glass.

Cassian dug into his food, casually glancing around at everyone else at the table. Everyone was being quiet and ignoring Nesta, save Amren who was eyeing her clothes with her usual distaste, and Feyre whose eyes kept darting back and forth between him and Nesta. Azriel and Rhys were both silent. Even Mor was being unusually quiet, the way she had been yesterday. She seemed lost in her own thoughts.

His eyes found their way back to Nesta again. He watched as she reached for her glass, then slowly nudged it to the left of her plate, right beside Elain. She didn't pick it up or drink it. The movement was too intentional to be considered casual, but he seemed to be the only one to notice it.

He was just being paranoid.

Feyre was the first to break the silence. "Nesta, what have you been up to lately?"

Nesta looked up and opened her mouth, but Cassian cut her off, "Oh, she's been very busy. She goes around visiting her friends all day."

Nesta's head snapped in his direction, the first time she'd acknowledged his existence since she'd arrived. She squinted at him as if she were contemplating the most painful way to end his existence.

He grinned. He probably shouldn't be provoking her, but he couldn't help himself.

Amren spit her wine out, "Since when do you have _friends_?"

He crossed his arms, "That's exactly what I asked, but she wouldn't tell me."

Rhys smirked.

Nesta was glaring daggers at him now.

"She actually went and visited one of her friends a few days ago."

 _Don't_ , she mouthed at him.

He drummed his fingers on the table, ignoring her, "Now, what did you say his name was?"

He watched her nails dig into the wooden table.

"Was it Albus?", he mused. "Or perhaps it was Alatar?"

Nesta's face turned a bright shade of red.

"I can't seem to remember", he added innocently.

Everyone was staring at him and Nesta now. Especially Mor, whose eyes were wide. Even Rhys and Amren looked intrigued.

"Who's this Albus? Or Alatar, whatever his name is", Feyre asked.

"No one", Nesta muttered.

"I'd hardly call him no one", Cassian intervened. "Sure, he's a bit off his rocker, but he's a nice guy. Has an odd obsession with his cats, though."

Now Nesta's eyes were wide. She looked at him like she was seeing him for the first time, her meal completely forgotten.

Everyone else looked really confused.

Her expression turned bored again as she said dryly, "Please, go on, Cassian. Since you seem to know so much about my friends."

He gave her a lazy grin. What was that, six times she'd said his name now? He didn't know why he bothered counting.

"I wouldn't want to deprive you of the pleasure of telling us all about him."

"I don't mind"

"I do"

Elain squeezed her sister's hand, "Why don't you tell us, Nesta."

She sighed, "There's not much to tell."

"What are you talking about? There's plenty to tell. Why don't you tell us how you talked about-"

" _Cassian_ ", Feyre warned.

Nesta smirked at him.

Amren snorted, "You both bicker like children."

Cassian and Nesta both rolled their eyes.

Nesta took a bite of her food than said, "Albus is an old friend of mine."

He coughed, "You mean Alatar?"

She glared at him, "Fine. Alatar. Whatever."

"Go on", Rhys said.

Nesta swallowed, "Um, we met at a bar a while back."

"Which bar?"

"I- I don't know, I've forgotten."

Rhys didn't look convinced.

Feyre furrowed her brows, "Are you sure you can trust him? What do you even know about him?"

"Um... I'm sure he's fine. He doesn't seem like a bad person"

"How much has he told you about himself?"

"Not much..."

"Then how can you trust him?"

"I don't know. He seems trustworthy."

Cassian couldn't help but smile. She was so obviously lying. She didn't know a thing about her "friend". Which meant Alatar had been lying to him that day he'd gone to see him. He was covering for her. But why would he need to cover for her?

Nesta turned her attention towards him, "Is something amusing to you?"

"Yes"

"What is it?"

"You"

Nesta opened her mouth, probably to insult him, but Feyre said, "Nesta, I don't think you should visit this friend anymore. He might be dangerous-"

"I can handle myself."

"I'm just looking out for you."

"I know you are, but I'll be fine."

Suddenly, Elain pulled her arm back, knocking over the wine glass and spilling it over Nesta's dress. 

"Oh, Nesta, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that". She grabbed several napkins and began wiping the stain.

Nesta stood up. "It's fine, I'll go clean it up. Where's the bathroom?"

"Down the hall, take a right, first door on your left", Rhys replied coolly.

Nesta nodded, then went down the hall.

So _that_ was why she'd specifically placed the wine glass there. She'd wanted Elain to knock it over so she could leave the dining room. It couldn't be a coincidence. Nesta was up to something.

** Nesta's POV **

Nesta walked down the hallway, her steps resonating in the empty space. She thought about all the lies she had told tonight. It'd be difficult to keep track of them all, she was bound to get caught up in it. She hadn't had much of a choice, what with everyone interrogating her.

She spotted the door leading to the bathroom, and quickly went inside and scrubbed on her dress with soap and water, then dried it with the towel. The stain was practically gone, which was a relief. She really liked her dress, despite its simplicity.

She poked her head into the hallway, and looked around. No one was there. Good. She padded along the corridor, opening each room as silently as she could and examining its interior. Most of them were empty; she could tell they still hadn't completely finished renovating the estate. There wasn't a single room with anything that looked like it belonged to Rhys.

She passed a few other rooms but didn't find anything, and she was beginning to grow frustrated. Her time was running out and they'd become suspicious eventually.

"What are you doing here?"

She whirled around, prepared to conjure up some excuse, when she saw who the voice belonged to.

"Hi Nessie", Cassian grinned, as though nothing had happened.

"Don't call me that". She attempted to walk past him, but he held out an arm, blocking her path.

She glanced behind him. No one else was in the corridor. They were all alone. Her heart started beating faster. She was alone with Cassian. It was different than sitting beside him at dinner, arguing with him in front of everyone. Here, they didn't have an audience. It was just her and Cassian and those horrible words she'd flung at him the day before. 

"You didn't answer my question. What are you doing here?". He smiled, then added, " _Nessie_ ".

She raised her chin, "I got lost. Now let me through."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were snooping"

"Good thing you don't, then"

His eyes sparkled. "You put on quite the show back there."

She crossed her arms, "Was all that really necessary?"

"No, but it was fun."

"You're insufferable."

He smiled, "I know."

"How do you even know Alatar?"

"Well, after you so valiantly tried to hide your _friendship_ with him from me, I decided to pay him a visit."

She gritted her teeth, "I thought I told you to stay away from me. That goes for my friends as well."

He held up his hands, "In my defense, I went to see him before everything that happened yesterday."

"What, so you've known this whole time and you haven't said anything? You're-"

A female voice interrupted her, "Is everything alright here?"

They both whirled around. Mor stood a few feet away, frowning at them.

Cassian backed away a step from Nesta. "Everything's fine", he said. "Mor, how long have you been there?"

"Not long. I came to check up on you since you were taking so long."

She only addressed Cassian. Mor wasn't here to check up on her. She didn't care about her.

Cassian turned around and followed Mor back into the dining room.

"Come on, Nesta. Our food will get cold", he called back to her.

She ground her teeth. Of course. Of course Cassian would act completely differently and leave her when Mor came along. It wasn't the first time he'd done it.

She wasn't jealous. Why would she be jealous? Jealous of Mor? No, jealousy was beneath her. She wasn't jealous of anyone, least of all Mor.

She debated staying there and going through the rooms again, but she'd been gone for too long and they'd definitely get suspicious. Besides, she hadn't found anything there the first time, she doubted she would find anything again.

She groaned in frustration. That meant that everything she'd done had been for nothing. 

Not completely for nothing, she thought. She got to see Elain, again. She would gladly tolerate everyone else for Elain.

She trudged back to the dining room and sat down beside her sister, trying to ignore Cassian.

Feyre smiled at her, "Are you excited to go to the Mountains?"

Nesta almost rolled her eyes. _Was she excited to spend the next few years of her life in a camp in the middle of nowhere surrounded by those insufferable Illyrians?_ No.

Thankfully, she wasn't going anywhere.

"I guess"

She spotted Cassian out of the corner of her eye. He wasn't looking at her at all, not the way he had all evening. He was staring at the wall, his plate, the floor. Anywhere that wasn't her face.

Feyre said, "It's getting awfully late, Nesta. Why don't you stay the night?".

Rhys glared at his mate, but Feyre waved him off.

He looked at Nesta hopefully, no doubt hoping she would refuse.

She considered it. She didn't want to spend another second in the wretched place, but she hadn't been able to get what she came for, and now she had a second chance.

"Fine", she replied.

This time, Rhys glared at her.

Nesta glared back.

Even Azriel, who had been quiet the entire evening looked up at her, an expression of bewilderment on his face.

Elain beamed at her and squeezed her hand.

Mor showed no reaction and Cassian ignored her altogether.

Feyre stood up, "Great! I'll go ask the servants to prepare your room."

They all began quickly filing out of the room, as if they'd been waiting to leave all night. Cassian was the first to leave, immediately darting off into some hallway she assumed led to his rooms.

Mor followed him.


	11. Chapter 11

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian collapsed onto his bed. He was so tired from the evening. He was also really surprised Nesta had agreed to stay, although he did feel a bit guilty for avoiding her when Mor had showed up. 

The door swung open and Mor popped into the room. "Hey."

 _Speak of the devil_ , he thought. 

"Hi"

He tilted his head, "Are you alright? You've been different these past few days."

"I'm fine. Are you?"

"Of course"

"I haven't seen much of you in the past week."

"I've been busy"

"Busy doing what?"

"You can just ask about Nesta, Mor. You don't have to go through all this."

She huffed. "Well? What's going on between you two?"

"Nothing"

"Clearly, _something_ is going on"

"No, not really."

She sat down on the bed beside him. "I saw the way you were looking at her", she said quietly. 

"What do you mean?"

"You couldn't take your eyes off her all night."

He swallowed. "That's not true"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, please, I'm not blind. You're obsessed with her."

He said nothing. 

"And don't even think about denying it." She looked down and wrung her hands, then went on, "And not that I was eavesdropping, but when you were talking to her in the hallway a few minutes ago, you said something about 'everything that happened yesterday'. What was that about?".

He hesitated. "I'm not sure I should say".

"It's fine", she said hurriedly. "I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business after all, but just...Just, be careful."

He raised his brows, "Of who? Nesta?"

"No, that's not really what I meant. I-". She sighed, "I just don't want you to get your heart broken."

 _It's a little late for that,_ he thought.

She continued, "I know you're trying to help her and going to see her. And don't get me wrong, that's a good thing. But maybe she doesn't want your help. Maybe you should leave her alone and let her work it out by herself." 

He frowned. "I guess"

She opened the door, turning to leave, "Just think about it. You don't have to take my advice, but I think you should at least consider it. I'll see you tomorrow."

The door closed behind her with a soft _click_. He ran a hand over his face. Maybe he should listen to her. Nesta had made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with him. But he didn't agree with Mor; the last thing Nesta needed was to be alone. 

But all those thoughts dissolved as sleep dragged him under. 

\---

_The room was white._

_Bone-white._

_The ceiling. The walls. The floor._

_There was nothing else in the room, save the dais: a solid block of emerald, sleek and polished._

_Nothing else except that throne in the center of the room._

_The throne was a pile of bones- human bones. Brown and smooth, of all shapes and sizes._

_And seated on that throne was him._

_Dark shoulder length hair. A strong nose and jaw. Black, soulless eyes, devoid of any warmth or empathy._

_The King of Hybern._

_It was those same depthless eyes that turned on him now, as magic blasted through the room, shaking the walls and the floor._

_He moved in front of Azriel, who was lying prone on the ground, the tip of the ash arrow protruding from his back, and spread his wings as a shield as the magic tore through him._

_It was unlike any pain he'd ever experienced._

_Sharp talons seared his wings, shredding them bit by bit, each stab of the raw power burning through his soul. Burning and burning until there was nothing left of it._

_He fell on the ground, blood spilling from his wings, running down his face and pooling around him._

_His wings, wings he had loved and cherished more than his pride, wings he couldn't live without..._

_He heard screams. Horrible, tortured screams, but he couldn't make anything out through the blinding pain that was fogging his mind. Every sound and thought was muffled._

_He heard his own breathing, uneven and rasped. He heard his heart pounding in his ribcage, echoing in his ears like the sound of a war drum._

_And then he heard her. He heard her cry out, he heard the rage and despair in her voice, and it snapped him out of his daze._

_He tried to move toward that sound, to where he could still hear her thrashing and roaring. He tried to raise his head, to stand up, anything._

_For a moment, the screaming stopped. The room was completely silent. He thought it was over. It had to be over. It couldn't possibly get any worse. Whatever was happening was-_

_And then it started again. Nesta shouting in rage. Guilt and agony and anger ripped through him._

_Nesta was in trouble, he had to save her, he had to do something._

_He'd promised her, he'd promised-_

_He gasped, his eyes fluttering open, but everything was murky and hazy, his vision swarming. He had to get to her, but he couldn't see her, couldn't see anything-_

_He was completely and utterly powerless. He could do nothing but listen to her screams as he lay motionless on the ground, blood gushing from his wings._

_He heard the sounds of water splashing. He tried to move again, they were going to drown her in that Cauldron, he couldn't let them-_

_And then he heard her emerge._

_Everything stopped. Time seemed to have frozen._

_But then he felt it. He felt the power and rage that radiated off her, vibrating in his bones. He felt every ounce of her anger and horror and the panic flooding her senses. But it felt different. Everything was heightened overwhelming. He could sense all her emotions so clearly, even more than before. Something was wrong, something was horribly wrong-_

_He heard her collapse to the ground, whispering Elain's name over and over again, heard her sobbing and his heart broke at the sound._

_Broke at knowing he had failed her. Failed her in every possible way._

** Nesta's POV **

Nesta tried to keep her steps silent as she tip toed down the dark hallway. She doubted anyone was awake at this hour of the night, but if she got caught, she wasn't sure what excuse she could come up with.

Carefully, she went down the stairs, her fae eyes immediately adjusting to the darkness. One of the few times she was grateful to be Fae. Then again, if she hadn't been Made, she wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. 

She arrived in the dining room they had been in earlier. Everything was exactly the same, but now there was a fire crackling in the hearth, warming the room and casting eerie shadows on the wall.

She shuddered. Memories of her father and the war flashed before her. Her father's dead body on the ground, blood seeping out of him, his eyes, lifeless and glassy-

No. No, she wouldn't allow herself to think of such things. Not now, anyways.

She scanned the room, but couldn't find anything that might belong to the High Lord. She hadn't expected to, but it was worth a shot. She still had no idea where she was going to find it. Going into Rhys and Feyre's room was out of the question, she wouldn't even consider it. Maybe in the study they always met, or if he had an office somewhere in the building. But if they were all locked, she had no way of getting in.

She sighed. She really should've put more thought into this.

She walked to the study and quietly nudged the door open. Thank the Cauldron it wasn't locked. She peered inside, but nothing caught her eye. The room hadn't left any sign of their presence there, and it felt strangely impersonal.

She moved to the next door down the hall and went inside. Why weren't any of the doors locked? Perhaps they didn't need to lock them. No one was stupid enough to steal from the High Lord and Lady. 

Except her, it seemed.

It wasn't stealing. Not really. She was simply borrowing from them. And if she took something small enough, they wouldn't notice its absence at all. Hopefully.

Nothing was in this room either. In fact, it was identical to the previous one. How many rooms did this place even have? 

She kept walking around, searching room after room. She was getting frustrated now.

She stopped suddenly. _Wait_ , she thought. This whole place belonged to Rhys. Everything in these rooms were his. Couldn't she simply take any random object and have it count as his?

She picked up a pen lying on a desk. Would this count?

She cursed herself. What a fool she was. This whole time she could have so easily taken something and have the whole ordeal done with.

She quickly stuffed the pen into the pocket of her nightgown and began to make her way back upstairs when she stopped suddenly.

There was a sound coming from somewhere down the hall. Screaming. Someone was screaming. How could no one else hear it? Surely it would have awoken everyone. 

Hesitantly, she followed the sound, continuing down the dark corridor until she reached a large, wooden oak door.

She placed her hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly. The room wasn't locked. She cracked the door open, just enough to see inside. 

It was Cassian. 

She backed away a step. She'd sworn she'd stay away from him, for her sake and for his. 

But she couldn't leave him. Not like this. 

And although she knew she shouldn't, she went inside anyway. 


	12. Chapter 12

** Nesta's POV (cont'd.) **

Nesta walked to the bed as silently as she could. Cassian looked fast asleep, but sweat slid along his brow and his breathing was uneven. His fists were clenched tightly, his knuckles white from the effort.

"Cassian?" she whispered.

A small whimpering sound escaped from him but he remained asleep.

She sat down on the bed beside him and placed a hand on his back, rubbing gently to soothe him. His skin was warm through the thin fabric of his shirt. His dark hair was damp and matted, and she brushed it aside to look at his face.

He jerked awake suddenly and she gasped, jumping back a little. His eyes scanned the room, widening when they landed on her face. "Nesta?". His chest heaved. "What are you doing here?"

She swallowed. "I- I heard you screaming. I was worried."

He didn't say anything, only kept staring at her.

She put her hand on his forehead. He was burning. _Was he sick?_ _Did the fae even get sick?_

She touched his cheek, his warm breath brushing her face, "Are you alright? Are you sick?"

He laughed softly, but there was no humor in the sound. "No, I'm not sick."

He covered the hand she had on his cheek with his own and leaned back in his bed, closing his eyes. She tried to ignore the warning bells going off in her head telling her she shouldn't be there with him.

"Were you having a nightmare?" she asked.

"No."

He tugged on her arm and pulled her down next to him onto the bed. They stared at each other in silence for a few moments before she said "Tell me about it."

He looked down, tracing lines on her palm, "Tell you about what?"

"Your nightmare"

"What nightmare?"

"The one you were just dreaming about."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

She snorted and snatched her hand away, "You know exactly what I'm talking about and if you won't tell me I guess I'll just leave."

"Wait-" he pulled her closer to him to keep her from leaving. "Fine, I'll tell you. Just... Don't leave."

"Fine. Start talking."

He propped himself up on one arm, reaching to touch her face, but she moved further back onto the bed to distance herself from him. His hand fell away and hurt flashed across his face, but vanished as quickly as it had appeared. 

He looked away, his expression solemn and said, "I was dreaming about that day... The day with Hybern when Feyre went back to the Spring Court and when...when you were Made."

She shuddered, remembering sinking inside the Cauldron, remembered suffocating as the black water filled her lungs.

"I remember". It came out colder than she wanted it to.

He sank further into his pillow, but brought his head back up again. He hesitated, then reached a hand to touch her hair. 

"Your hair's down", he whispered.

She blinked. "Yes"

"I've never seen you with your hair down before", he murmured.

Her eyes burned. "Oh. No, I guess you haven't"

He inched closer and his fingers plunged deeper into her hair, wrapping around the ends of the golden locks. She resisted the urge to run her own hands in his night-black hair. 

He smiled softly. "You should wear it like this more often. It looks really pretty on you."

"If you're trying to change the subject-"

"I'm not", he said. "I mean it. You look so beautiful this way."

She felt herself blush and looked away quickly. 

He cleared his throat. "Not that you didn't look beautiful before, but-"

"Why don't you tell me about the rest of your nightmare?" She cut him off before things could get even more awkward. 

His eyes darkened. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Why not?" she asked. 

"I just don't want to." He looked away. "I don't want you to see me like that."

She frowned. "Like how?"

"I don't know. Vulnerable, I guess."

She did understand that. She understood not wanting others to see her as vulnerable, probably better than anyone. 

"Alright. I'll go first then", she said. 

His brows furrowed. "You have nightmares too?"

"Yes"

"How often?"

She shivered, either from the cold or the thought of her own dreams at night. Cassian noticed the movement and pulled the blanket higher on her, up to her chin.

"Every night", she said.

"I'm so sorry. I should've known. I should've been there for you-"

"Don't worry about it"

"But-"

She pressed a finger to his mouth to cut him off. "I said don't worry about it."

His eyes widened slightly and looked down at her finger. She retracted it immediately and silently cursed herself. His warmth still lingered on her skin. 

She sighed, drudging up all the horrible moments she'd dreamed about and began. "I dream about a lot of different things. Sometimes, I see Elain going into the Cauldron and seeing myself count each second until she comes back up. Sometimes, it's the war, with all the blood and gore on the battlefields, and seeing all those dead soldiers. And sometimes, I see..."

She swallowed, her throat suddenly extremely dry. Cassian reached the hand that wasn't tangled in her hair to grasp her own, squeezing encouragingly. 

She shut her eyes, unable to look at him, and continued, "Sometimes, I see your body on the ground, with Hybern standing over you, about to kill you". She tried to keep the image from conjuring up in her mind but failed. "I remember how terrified I was in that moment. Terrified he would kill you and-"

She didn't let herself finish the thought. She didn't want to imagine what would have happened if Hybern _had_ killed Cassian. Had killed both of them. She opened her eyes and glanced up at him, but he only looked back at her with understanding, momentarily letting go of her hand to brush the hair that had slid over her face aside. 

She continued. "But mostly, I dream about my father. When I watched him die in front of me. When I watched Hybern kill him. He just fell to the ground and even dead, his eyes were still open, looking at me. One minute he was there and the next he wasn't. I thought when people died the whole world stopped and time froze. But it didn't. Everything went on the same as normal. Everyone moved on like nothing happened."

She blinked the tears from her eyes. "I don't love him. I don't think I ever did. Although, I don't really know what love is. I don't think I've ever experienced love. Except maybe for Elain. But I'm sure my father doesn't love me either". 

Her voice shook. " _Didn't_ , I mean. It's still difficult. Switching between past and present. I can't seem to let go of the past and I can't seem to live in the present, either."

She tried not to cry. She knew if she started she wouldn't be able to stop. 

"No, he didn't love me, did he? If he did, he wouldn't have left us to fend for ourselves while he stood by doing nothing". Her chest swelled in anger. "I waited years for him to do something. Anything. But he never did. He just stayed in that stupid hovel all day making his stupid wood carvings."

She didn't care if she sounded like a child or if she wasn't making sense. She hadn't realized she even felt this way until she'd said it aloud. 

Tears pricked her eyes and this time she didn't stop them. "He was pathetic. He was a damned fool and he ruined our lives and yet...There are so many things I wish I could have said to him. So many things I wanted to ask him. Questions I never got answers to. He wasn't supposed to die so soon, not like that."

More tears rolled down her cheeks, not from grief, but anger. "No, I don't love him. I hate him. I hate him for being so weak and useless and ignorant. I hate him for leaving me." 

Cassian wiped the tears from her face. She couldn't believe she'd said all that. It just came rushing out of her before she had a chance to stop it. She hadn't realized how much she'd needed to talk to someone about it. 

She sniffed and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her nightgown. "I'm sorry, you probably didn't want to hear all that. I shouldn't have-" 

He took her face in his hands, warming her skin. "No, it's alright. I'm glad you told me."

Close. Too close. They were too close. 

She moved to the edge of the bed and his hands fell from her face again. Cassian bit his lip but didn't say anything. They were still much too close for her liking, but another step back and she'd fall off the bed. 

"Your turn", she said. 

He sighed. "Do I have to go?"

"Yes. I didn't make myself go through all that for nothing."

"I wish you'd told me sooner."

"You're not the only one who doesn't want to seem vulnerable to others."

He nodded absently and started playing with her hair again, twirling the long strands around his finger. She rubbed her eyes and let her head sink further into the pillow, the warmth of the blanket starting to make her eyelids heavy. 

She kicked him under the blanket. "Now go"

He smiled ruefully, but his expression darkened as he said, "I was... I was dreaming about my wings."

She looked at those wings, tucked in tightly behind him. She'd never paid much attention to them, she was usually too distracted by other parts of him. But looking at them more closely, she could see all the intricacies and fine details she'd missed before. 

"They healed remarkably well."

He looked behind him, his expression pained. "They did. But it still hurts to think about. And... It's not just about the wings. It's about everything that happened. When you were Made."

He wasn't looking at her anymore, his gaze directed at the ceiling. He seemed lost in thought. She waited several minutes for him to continue, but he seemed to have forgotten about the conversation entirely. 

She almost started to say something, but then he asked quietly, "This is all my fault isn't it?"

"What's your fault?"

"Everything going on with you."

He still wasn't looking at her. She frowned. "Why would it be your fault?"

"I didn't keep my promise to you. If I had, you and Elain would never have been Made. You'd still be a human and living a normal life. I ruined all that."

She touched his hand. "That's not true."

"You know it is."

She sat up and faced him. "No it's not, Cassian. There was nothing you could have possibly done to prevent what happened. Nothing anyone could have done. And as to everything going on with me right now...". She hesitated. "Those are my own decisions."

He stared at their entwined fingers and asked quietly, "You don't blame me?"

"Of course not. And you shouldn't either."

He rubbed his eyes and yawned. "I don't know."

"I do know. Stop feeling guilty for something that isn't even your fault."

He shifted on his stomach and pulled the other side of the blanket over himself, never letting go of her hand. His dark hair slid over his brow as he closed his eyes and she reached over to tuck it behind his ear with her free hand. 

He spoke softly, his words barely discernible as he said, "Do you ever regret it?"

She studied his face, the dark elegant brows and the chiseled features. The strong nose and the soft mouth. "Regret what?"

"When you said", he sighed, his words slurred. "When you said you did nothing because you were waiting for your father to do something."

She winced, but there was no accusation in his voice, only curiosity. 

He went on, "If you could go back, if things were the way they were before. Would you do things differently? Would you help your sisters?"

She looked away from him and stared at the ceiling for a moment, then sighed, "There's no point in thinking about it. I can't go back. Things won't ever be the way they were before."

She turned her head to look at him again but he seemed to have fallen asleep. She lay down beside him, listening to his steady breathing and watching his chest rise and fall. He looked so peaceful resting there. There was something so disarming about seeing a person in their sleep. 

She smiled in spite of herself and leaned forward to press a light kiss to his forehead. "Goodnight Cassian"

She closed her eyes as they began to grow heavy, and soon she was drifting off into sleep. 


	13. Chapter 13

** Nesta's POV (cont'd.) **

Nesta woke up as the first rays of the sun began shining through the windows. She didn't know where she was or who's bed she was in. She opened her eyes and found herself pressed against someone's chest, one of her arms wrapped around his neck, her other hand still holding his from the night before. She looked up and found Cassian sleeping soundly, his free hand tangled in her hair and stroking it gently. Somehow, they'd ended up in each other's arms during the night. With the heavy blanket draped over them and his warm body against hers, she had absolutely no desire to leave. 

Cassian stirred, opening his eyes and grinned at her. "Good morning, Nessie."

"Good morning", she whispered. 

He rubbed his eyes and and moved to lay on his side, slinging an arm over her middle to pull her closer. His hands burned her through the thin fabric of her nightgown. 

"Did you sleep well last night?" he asked. 

"I slept fine"

"Any nightmares?"

"No. You?" she asked.

He shook his head, smiling. "I've never slept so well in my life."

His hand started drifting lower on her nightgown and she shuddered underneath the blanket. 

"I should probably leave. I've overstayed my welcome anyway." She moved to pull the blanket back and get off the bed, but Cassian's grip on her tightened. He buried his face into the crook of her neck, nuzzling her throat, his fingers tugging gently on her hair. 

"Please don't leave", he pleaded. He kissed her shoulder. "You're always welcome here anyway."

Here? Where was here? His bed or the estate. She certainly wasn't welcome in the latter. 

"You're probably the only one who thinks that."

He kissed her collarbone this time. "That's not true. Feyre and Elain think so."

"Maybe", she mused.

"Amren too." He frowned. "Although lately you seem to have grown distant. What happened between you two?"

She clenched her jaw. "We had an argument."

"I don't suppose you care to elaborate?"

"No, not particularly", she said dryly. 

"Alright." He kissed the space between her shoulder blades. "I'll get it out of you eventually."

She really should be going. She had to use the potion to track the Medallion and then bring it to Alatar before it was too late. And she'd only come to comfort Cassian after his nightmare, she'd never intended to stay. But she couldn't seem to bring herself to leave...

She pried his hand from her hair and turned to leave again but he still wouldn't let her. 

"Not yet", he mumbled. He took her face in his hands and kissed the tip of her nose. 

She groaned. "No, Cassian. I'm leaving now. I didn't come here and stay with you because I changed my mind about everything going on between us. You weren't well and I came to comfort you and you seem more than fine now so I'm going to leave and we can go back to avoiding each other."

If he was affected at all by her words, he didn't show it. "Just stay a few minutes longer. We can talk or we can do nothing. I don't care. I just want to be with you."

Her heart twisted in her chest and she starting panicking again. How did she always end up in these kinds of situations? She couldn't seem to stay away from him. 

"Goodbye Cassian." She pushed his face away and stood up from the bed, her legs shaking slightly from the effort. 

He caught her arm. "Wait, one more thing."

She glared at him. 

He smiled in return and kissed her palm, never taking his eyes off her. "Thank you for last night. For telling me about your dreams and listening to me about my own problems." 

She nodded and looked to the door but he said. "And another thing."

She groaned again. "Cassian-"

He sat up and leaned forward, kissing her so lightly she barely felt it, just a brush of his mouth against hers. 

He grinned, his warm breath caressing her face. "See you later, Nessie."

She scowled and snatched one of the pillows off the bed and whacked him in the face with it as hard as she could. He fell back on the bed, roaring with laughter and clutching the pillow to his chest. She left as quickly as possible, but the ghost of a smile appeared on her lips. 

\----

"There you are"

Nesta whirled around and found Feyre frowning at her. Feyre was already dressed, wearing a simple blue dress that perfectly accentuated her eyes. Nesta suddenly felt extremely under dressed standing there in nothing but her nightgown. 

Feyre came towards her. "Where have you been? I've been looking for you all morning and I couldn't find you anywhere."

Her sister's eyes slid to the hallway behind her, then to her disheveled hair and her rumpled nightgown. 

Her eyes narrowed. "Were you-"

"No", she said quickly. 

Feyre raised a brow. "So you didn't spend the night in Cassian's room?"

She scowled. "Of course not."

"If you say so." 

Nesta crossed her arms. "Why were you looking for me?"

"Elain and I are going shopping and I thought you might want to come with us."

"No, I'm fine."

Nesta tried to step past her but Feyre blocked her path. 

"Please" 

"No"

"Why not?" she asked. 

"I have things to do."

"Such as?"

She hesitated. "Personal things"

She tried to sidestep her again, but Feyre wouldn't let her.

"I told you I'm busy, now let me leave."

"Not until you agree to come shopping with us."

She snarled. "No, I'm not going shopping with you. Now get out of my way."

"For Elain's sake."

Nesta glared at her. Of course she'd bring Elain into everything. 

"Come for Elain's sake." Feyre pleaded again.

"Elain's coming?"

"Yes. It was her idea."

She had absolutely no desire to spend any more time with Feyre than was necessary, but she had missed Elain. She'd been selfish to stay in that apartment for months without going to see Elain and she would be being selfish again by leaving Velaris without spending any time with Elain. She didn't even know how much time she had left with Elain before she had to leave. Or if she'd ever see Elain again. 

She sighed. "Fine, I'll come. Just let me go up to my room so I can get dressed."

Feyre seemed genuinely surprised that she'd agreed so quickly, but let her pass this time.

Her sister called from behind her, "Hurry up. We're leaving now."

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian smiled to himself and lay back down on the bed, the pillow she'd thrown at him still clutched against his chest. He touched the spot where Nesta had slept beside him, the bed still warm from her body. 

He was very confused. First, Nesta had tried avoiding him at all costs. Then, they'd done... whatever it was they had done in her apartment. Then she'd told him she didn't care about him and that he was worth nothing to her. Then she'd invited herself over for dinner and had a somewhat civilized conversation with the Inner Circle. And then she'd come to comfort him after he'd had a nightmare and... she'd stayed in his bed. 

It could've just been that she'd fallen asleep in his bed unintentionally. She'd told him as much earlier. 

But could it have been more than that? 

He was probably just reading too much into things. 

** Nesta's POV **

Nesta went up to the room she had barely spent an hour in the night before. She quickly washed herself and changed into a dress. She stood in front of the vanity and reached for the pins she always used to keep her hair up, but stopped and stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair fell in loose waves around her shoulders, the golden-brown hair framing her blue eyes. Cassian had told her he liked the way she looked with her hair down. She hesitated, then put the pins back down and headed into the hallway. 

"Let's go", she called to Feyre as she descended the staircase.

Feyre turned around and looked at her. "I thought you said you were going to get dressed."

"I did, and I am", she said flatly.

Feyre frowned. "But you hair's down."

"Your point is?"

"You never wear your hair down."

Nesta waved her off and walked past her. "Let's just get this over with. Where's Elain?"

Feyre walked to where Nesta was standing near the threshold. "She should be coming soon."

Nesta let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't have all day. There are other things I do when you're not constantly trying to rope me into things."

Feyre wrinkled her nose. "Yes, I'm aware of what you do in your free time."

She glared at her but kept her mouth shut. She didn't want to start anything with Elain around. 

They stood in awkward silence for a while until Elain finally came down the stairs from her room. She hugged Nesta and said, "I'm so glad you're coming with us."

Nesta said nothing, only returning her embrace. Elain linked arms with Nesta as they walked down the hall and went on telling her about how excited she was to show her all the shops in Velaris, but Nesta couldn't help but think how quickly Elain had adapted to this life. She didn't think she'd ever be able to get used to it. 

As soon as they stepped outside, a gust of wind blew in their direction and she shivered. It was such an odd feeling to pull her hair back from her face. She was so accustomed to putting her hair up and not having to worry about it. 

"Hold on", she said. "I left my coat inside."

Nesta went back inside, looking for the coat rack, when someone grabbed her hand. She whirled around, but it was only Cassian.

"Hi Nessie."

He was dressed in his fighting leathers again, his red siphons glowing. His dark hair was tied back from his face and she clenched her fingers to resist the urge to run her hands through it.

"Hello Cassian", she sighed. 

Cassian grinned and tugged at her hair. "Your hair's down."

"Well at least you're not blind."

He smirked. "Where are you off to?"

"I'm going shopping", she muttered.

Cassian laughed loudly. "Your hair's down and you're going shopping? Who are you and what have you done with Nesta?"

She snorted. "Unfortunately for you, Nesta hasn't gone anywhere."

"Who are you going with?"

"Feyre and Elain."

"Feyre must have something terrible on you to be able to drag you along to go shopping."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm glad my suffering amuses you."

"Everything you do amuses me."

"How depressing your life must be if your only source of entertainment is my misery. Have you nothing else to do with the rest of your immortal existence?"

"I have plenty of things to do", he smiled. 

"Well, don't let me keep you from them."

"Nesta, are you coming?"

She whirled around. Feyre stood at the threshold staring at both of them. She had the weirdest sense of déjà vu. 

"I don't mean to rush you but we've been waiting for a while now." Feyre smirked, then added, "Unless you'd rather spend the day with Cassian?"

Her nostrils flared. "I'm coming."

She walked past Cassian to grab her coat and quickly put it on. Cassian winked at her and whispered "Have fun Nessie", before she stormed off and went outside. 

\----

Leaves crunched under their feet as they walked down the streets of Velaris. Summer had turned to fall so quickly, she hadn't even noticed. The leaves were various shades of brown and auburn and gold. The air was crisper and colder, and a gentle breeze swayed the trees. 

They passed various stores: antique shops, restaurants, and cafes. Elain was telling her about everything she was doing with Nuala and Cerridwen, something about baking apparently, while Feyre walking behind them silently. Elain suddenly stopped and pointed at a shop. "Let's go in that one!"

"A dress shop?" she asked.

"Yes."

"I didn't realize we were going shopping for _dresses_."

"Oh, what's the matter, Nesta? You used to love wearing pretty dresses when we were younger!" Elain's eyes flicked over Nesta's clothes. "Besides, you could use some better things. You practically wear the same thing everyday."

There was that judgement she saw in everyone's eyes. Or was it pity? 

"I don't see the use. I won't be wearing many dresses when I'll be banished to the Illyrian Mountains." She directed those last words at Feyre, lacing them with as much venom as she could. 

Elain paled, but Feyre only rolled her eyes. "Oh please, no one's banishing you." 

"No? What do _you_ call sending someone away against their will?"

"I call it giving someone the proper care and treatment they need to heals themselves and start rethinking the decisions they've been making over the past year."

"By sending them to a war camp full of deranged overgrown bats?"

"Yes", she said, smiling sweetly. Elain's eyes darted between the two of them worriedly, but Nesta had completely given up on civil conversation, even for her sister's sake. 

Nesta snarled. "And when did this idea strike you? A week ago? Two weeks? How convenient for you, while I've been wasting away for the past year."

Feyre scoffed. "It's hardly my fault if you've been wasting away. You don't accept any of the help I've offered you."

"We've already had this conversation, Feyre-"

"Well let's have it again."

"Is this why you've invited me to come? So you can prove your point all over again about how you're the good sister trying to help-"

Elain stepped between them. "Nesta, Feyre, both of you stop. We've come to go shopping, not to argue. Now let's forget all about this and just go inside and look at some dresses." 

Nesta simmered but crossed her arms. "Fine."


	14. Chapter 14

** Nesta's POV (cont.'d) **

They stepped inside the shop and looked around. Dresses of every color and variety were hung on racks and rolls of colorful fabric were piled in shelves. People milled around to get a glimpse of themselves in the large mirrors that hung on the walls. 

A clerk greeted them at the front desk and then led them to a more private corner of the shop. It was a large room with ornate furniture. A single, large mirror stood against the wall. Elain went through a few clothes on one of the racks, then grabbed a dress and held it out in front of her.

"What do you think of this one, Nesta? Do you like it?"

"It suits you," she offered.

She shoved the dress into Nesta's hands. "Not for me, silly. For you."

"Oh." She examined the dress wearily. It was a short pink dress, much shorter than things she usually wore. It had a plunging neckline and the majority of the back was exposed. It wasn't the sort of dress she would normally wear. It was far too revealing for her taste, and the color was much brighter than most things she wore.

"It's... not what I usually wear," she said.

"Well, it's much better than those boring gray dresses you always wear."

She shrugged. She liked gray. It was a safe, simple color. There was a sense of familiarity she had with it that she couldn't find in anything else.

Elain pushed her towards a dressing room as Feyre sat down on a couch nearby. "Go on. Try it on."

She groaned inwardly. She wasn't in the mood for trying on clothes. She had no use for new dresses anyway. And she certainly didn't want to see what the dress would look like on her thin frame after all the weight she had lost. The modest dresses she usually wore did a good job of hiding her figure, but there wasn't much that would be left to the imagination in this dress.

She tried to give Elain the dress back. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

Elain pouted. "Why not?"

"Honestly, I don't really like the dress."

"Please?" Elain pleaded. "For me? Just try it on and come show us, then you can take it off."

Nesta looked to Feyre for help, but she wasn't sitting on the couch anymore, having wandered off to look at other dresses.

She sighed. "All right."

Elain beamed and pushed her into a dressing room stall, closing the door behind her.

"Tell us if you need anything," she called.

Nesta heard her sister's footsteps recede and she swallowed, turning to look at the large, floor-length mirror in the middle of the small room. She startled at the loose hair spilling around her shoulders, having forgotten that she'd chosen to forgo using the pins today. Her cheeks were sunken and hollow, and her eyes were just as lifeless and hollow as she remembered them. Her skin was even paler than it'd been a week ago.

Her face looked the same as it had that morning, but it'd been awhile since she'd seen her body since losing all the weight. She generally avoided looking in mirrors unless it was absolutely necessary.

Slowly and carefully, she removed her dress, tugging it over her head and letting it fall to the floor. She braced herself for what awaited her as she turned to face her reflection. Her breath caught in her throat.

**\--- trigger warning: negative body talk ---**

She was even thinner than she remembered. Her ribs poked out of her skin and her legs were bony. Her breasts were uneven and any muscle she'd been able to put on during the War was gone. Her body was scrawny and disproportionate, barely recognizable from what it used to be.

She wasn't beautiful. She'd never considered herself to be beautiful. She always new Elain and Feyre were the prettier ones. But she hadn't envied them for it, hadn't cared much. She'd always thought it was a waste of time to dwell on her appearance too long, but this...

She swallowed. She reached for the cotton dress and slipped it on. She turned to look at herself in the mirror. The dress hung loosely over her thin form where once it would have fit tightly and complemented her curves. The dress barely brushed past her knees, exposing her gaunt legs.

**\--- end of trigger warning ---**

For the first time, she realized how much weight she'd lost, how unhealthy she was. She was in horrible shape. Maybe going to the Mountains might do her some good, help her regain some weight and some muscle. She cursed herself. That was a _horrible_ idea. Nothing good could possibly come from being trapped in that war camp.

She tugged the dress off angrily, her eyes brimming with tears that she wiped away furiously. She couldn't go out looking like this. She looked absolutely ridiculous. She snatched her gray dress from where she'd thrown it on the ground and put it back on, then grabbed the pink dress and stalked out of the dressing room.

Feyre and Elain were on the couch talking, looking up startled when she came back into the room. Nesta began stuffing the dress into a nearby shelf as Elain came over to her.

Elain frowned. "Nesta, what are you doing?"

Nesta ignored her, but her sister grabbed the dress from her hands, smoothing it over her legs.

Elain pressed her lips into a thin line then said "Why are you putting it away? We didn't even get to see you in it."

Nesta sniffed and sat down on the couch beside Feyre, crossing her arms. "I didn't like it."

Elain put the dress back where she'd found it. "You could have at least shown it to us."

Nesta rested her head back on the couch cushions, cutting a glance at Feyre. For once, she wasn't looking at her with distaste, but with sympathy. Feyre was looking at her like she knew exactly what happened.

Elain smiled. "Don't worry, Nesta. I'll find you something else."

Nesta grimaced. "I'm fine. Really. I don't need any new dresses."

"One can never have too many dresses," she sang, as she disappeared down another aisle.

Feyre stared at Nesta, tilting her head slightly.

"What?" she snapped.

She furrowed her brows. "What just happened back there?"

"Nothing happened."

"So you don't want to tell me about it?"

"Why would I do that when there's nothing to tell you about?"

She didn't say anything for a while, only staring at the carpet. After a few minutes, she tried again. 

"It doesn't have to be like this you know." She paused. "You could tell me about everything that's going on with you. I could help you."

She groaned. "How many times have I told you I don't want your damn help?"

"Too many."

"Apparently not enough if you're still pestering me about it."

Feyre smirked. "Apparently."

Again, they sat in silence, until Feyre finally said, "Nesta, about everything we said on the way here-"

She cut her off sharply. "If you're expecting an apology, you're not getting one."

"I wasn't expecting you to apologize." She glanced down, picking at her dress. " _I_ wanted to apologize."

Nesta willed her expression into boredom and raised a brow. "Oh?"

"Yes." Feyre hesitated. "I'm... sorry."

Nesta covered her mouth to stifle a yawn. "For?"

"For... That...." She paused again, then seemed to decide on her words. "I'm sorry that you're upset with me about what I said. You know I'm just concerned for you."

Nesta said nothing and waited for her to go on. But she didn't. Apparently that was it.

Feyre was looking at her expectantly, waiting for a reaction. Waiting for an _apology_ , although she'd denied it.

Sorry that _she_ was upset with her? That wasn't an actual apology. Nowhere near one. Not that she even deserved an apology. But she'd expected Feyre to yell at her or insult her or never speak to her again, but not... whatever this was.

She was sure Feyre meant well, although it didn't always come across that way. Not to her at least.

And she did regret what she'd said to Feyre, of course she did. But she hadn't been lying. Feyre was being selfish, so utterly selfish. She had ignored her for months, made no effort to help her, then when it was simply convenient for her she decided to exile her to some camp with a bunch of half-brained bats.

She realized that Feyre was only doing it to make herself feel better. To get rid of her own guilt.

Nesta straightened her posture, then said placidly, "I see."

Feyre still stared at her, clearly not satisfied with her answer, but Elain came back before she could say anything else. She set down the heap of clothes she'd been carrying, then plopped down onto an armchair facing them.

"Alright. There has to be something in this pile you'll like" Elain said. 

Nesta pursed her lips but sat forward and looked through the different clothes. She avoided the shorter, fitted dresses, searching for something looser that would hide her figure. She'd nearly given up, when she spotted a deep, midnight blue gown she'd missed earlier. She was surprised that Elain had picked it out, since she usually went for the more colorful clothes.

She unfolded it and held it up for her sisters to see. "I like this one." 

Elain smiled. "Great! Now go try it on. And _this_ time, come out and show us."

Nesta sighed, praying it wouldn't look as bad as the last one did, and went inside the stall again. She peeled her clothes off, trying to avoid looking at her reflection and slipped on the blue dress. 

She gaped at herself in the mirror, surprised by how much she liked it. The sleeves were fitted and the neckline hung low, but not nearly as low as the last dress. The dress brushed the floor, concealing her legs. The fabric was soft and comfortable, shifting to accommodate her movements. She twirled in front of the mirror and the dress swayed around her elegantly. The bodice was somewhat tight, but not enough to make her uncomfortable. The dress wasn't too formal, but not too casual either.

It was perfect. 

She almost smiled.

She unlocked the stall door, gathering her skirts in her hands and walked into the room. Elain gasped, clasping her hands. Feyre's eyebrows drifted up and a smile tugged at her lips as well.

She walked across the room and stopped in front of the mirror. The face staring back at her was bored and disinterested, but inside she felt a little giddy. It'd been awhile since she'd felt that way.

She turned around. "What do you think?" Her tone was passive, but her eyes must've given her away, because Feyre grinned at her knowingly.

"Nesta, you look breathtaking," Elain exclaimed.

Her lips twitched and she looked down. "Thank you," she said quietly.

Feyre nodded, taking her in. "You really do look stunning."

Elain stood up from the couch and walked around Nesta, examining the dress. "Oh, Nesta, please tell me you like it?"

She smoothed the folds of her dress. "I do, actually."

Elain beamed and turned to Feyre. "What do you think?"

Feyre smiled. "It's perfect."

Elain practically _squealed_. "I knew we'd get there eventually. I told you I'd find you a good dress, Nesta." She shoved Nesta back into her stall. "Now take it off so we can go buy it."

Nesta faltered. She brought her hand to the back of her dress and checked the tag. It was expensive. Very, very expensive. She couldn't spend so much money on a dress, especially when that money was saved for _other_ things.

Nesta shook her head. "No, it's fine, actually. I don't want it." She was more disappointed than she wanted to admit. She'd _really_ liked the dress.

Elain's smile faded. "What? You just said you liked it."

Nesta tried not to let the disappointment show on her face. "I do. I just-" She sighed. "I can't pay for this. The allowance- I need the money for other things, I can't spend it on dresses."

Feyre came over to them. "It's fine. I'll pay for it."

"No, I don't want it anyway."

"Please, Nesta. Really, it's no trouble. I'll gladly pay for it."

Nesta walked back to the stall to take the dress off. "No"

Feyre frowned. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. 

Feyre didn't look convinced but didn't push it any further as Nesta shut the stall door. She took the gown off and put back on the gray clothes she'd worn earlier, which looked very plain compared to the dress she'd just worn.

She sighed and stepped outside again, putting the dress back where it was. They looked through a few more cheaper dresses, but Nesta hated all of them. They left soon after that, with Elain looking rather disappointed and the clerk at the front desk cutting them suspicious glances.

\---

Nesta walked up the stairs and closed the door. She'd been tired after coming back from shopping, but Elain had insisted she went with her to her garden. Then she'd tried to leave again to go search for the Medallion, but Feyre had sent her upstairs to get ready for dinner. She assumed her sisters would probably force her to spend the night there as well.

She slumped against the wall, then straightened suddenly, noticing something on her bed. A large parcel that hadn't been there that morning. She stood up wearily and tore it open without much care.

She gasped.

It was the dress from earlier, folded and packaged neatly inside the box. She picked it up, examining it. It was just as beautiful as it had been in the shop. Even more so, with the moonlight from the windows glinting off it. She rummaged through the box, searching for a note, but there wasn't any.

She frowned. Who could have sent this to her?

She opened the door and slinked down the hall, not sure where she was headed or what she was doing. She found a door open and poked her head inside. Feyre sat at a desk, a pile of letters sitting in front of her.

Her sister raised her head, then looked back down at her letters. "Hi Nesta."

Nesta nodded in greeting.

"How was gardening with Elain?"

Nesta walked further into the room and sighed. "Interesting." She peered at the letters on the desk. "What are you doing?"

"Writing letters."

"Well, that much is clear."

Feyre slipped a letter inside an envelope and sealed it. "I'm thinking of organizing a ball." She gave Nesta the letter. "You're invited."

Nesta took the letter from her hands. "Thanks, but I don't think I'll be attending."

"Maybe you'll change your mind."

She clicked her tongue. "Doubtful."

Feyre set her pen down. "How do you like your new dress?"

Nesta gaped at her. " _You_ sent it?"

"Yes"

She narrowed her eyes. "Why?"

Feyre shrugged. "I meant what I said the other day in your apartment, about wanting us to be sisters." She lay back in her seat. "Consider it a peace offering."

The corner of Nesta's mouth curved upwards. "I didn't realize we were at war."

Feyre laughed. "It does feel like it sometimes."

"Thank you." She looked away, twisting her hands. She was still getting used to thanking people. "Thank you for the dress. You really didn't have to."

"I wanted to."

Nesta started heading for the door. "I should get ready for dinner."

Feyre nodded. "I hope you'll reconsider coming to the ball. I think you might enjoy it."

Nesta bit the inside of her cheek, but she nodded and said she would think about it.


	15. Chapter 15

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian leaned against the wall, watching Nesta walk into the dining room, her face a mask of boredom. To his surprise and delight, her hair was still down, the soft curls cascading down her shoulders. She wore a different dress today, one of a deep shade of blue. It contrasted so well with her golden hair and brought out the color of her eyes. It clung to her curves perfectly and he tried to not let his eyes linger on those curves as she approached him.

A grin spread on his face, although she completely ignored him, sparing him nothing more than a cursory glance.

"New dress?" he asked. 

"Yes," she replied, still not looking at him. 

"I like it. It looks good on you."

Nesta rolled her eyes, but he didn't let it faze him as he sat down directly beside her. Elain sat to Nesta's left, as usual, and Rhys and Feyre sat across from them. Az and Amren were nowhere to be seen, and neither was Mor for that matter. No one sat at the head of the table. 

The room was silent for awhile, the only sounds the scraping of silverware against plates, until Cassian asked "How was dress shopping?" 

Elain smiled brightly. "It went very well for Nesta." 

Nesta said nothing, only bringing her spoon to her mouth. He watched every bite she took and every time she swallowed. 

The doors to the dining room swung open suddenly, and Mor breezed in, her red dress flowing behind her. 

"Sorry I'm late. Amren got into a fight with Varian because he forgot to get her the diamond earrings she asked him to get and then she asked Az to get them and then Varian-" she stopped in her tracks when she noticed Nesta quietly eating her dinner. 

Her mouth hung open slightly as she said "Hi Nesta."

Nesta inclined her head in greeting. 

The chair scraped loudly against the floor as Mor slid into her seat beside Feyre. Her eyes lingered on where Cassian sat next to Nesta, briefly flicking over Nesta's clothes before she said "I take it you went dress shopping today?"

Nesta nodded halfheartedly.

Mor eyed her again then said. "You've been here at the estate for awhile now. How much longer will you be staying?"

Nesta's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. "I was trying to leave but _someone,_ " she glared at Feyre, "won't let me leave." 

Feyre shrugged. "You came here for dinner last night and I thought you might like to stay a few extra days."

"I came here for dinner and _only_ dinner," Nesta muttered. "I didn't expect to be held hostage for the rest of the month."

"Well if you need a distraction while you're being held hostage you only have to ask." The words fell out of his mouth before he realized he'd said it aloud. 

Feyre choked on her food and Rhys grinned at him. Mor only stared at him incredulously while Elain fidgeted with her napkin. Nesta's cheeks were red and she glared at him with such pure hatred he almost winced. 

He swallowed. "I mean-that's not what I meant- "

Nesta kicked him under the table. That time he did wince. He probably deserved it. He glanced at her. _Stop talking_ her eyes seemed to say.

He obediently kept his mouth shut.

"So, as I was saying," Mor turned to Feyre. "Let the poor girl leave for a few days. She only has a few weeks left until she has to go to the Mountains. Let her enjoy the time she has left here."

Nesta nodded very enthusiastically. It was probably the only time they had ever agreed on something. 

Mor turned to Nesta again, studying her the way she had earlier and tilted her head. "Your hair's down. I like it."

Nesta muttered something that sounded like a thank you. Her eyes kept darting to the clock on the wall as if she wanted to be anywhere else on earth. 

Elain pulled Nesta's hair playfully. "I do, too. It really suits you. And so does your dress. We should definitely go shopping against at some point."

Nesta smiled, but it looked more like she was grimacing. "Sounds like so much fun."

"I should look through your wardrobe at some point. You really have to stop wearing so many gray clothes, there are other colors you know. Oh, that reminds me, I should probably get you a nightgown. The one I gave you last night was some old thing I found in the back of my closet. Did it fit all right?"

Nesta nodded, not entirely listening. "It was fine."

"Do you want me to buy you another nightgown?"

She shook her head, staring at some far off point on the wall. "No, don't trouble yourself." 

"Are you sure that it fit alright?"

She sighed, finally giving in. "Well, now that you mention it, it did feel a bit small."

"It looked fine on you last night," he mumbled. Too loudly apparently because Feyre coughed, then said:

"Last night where exactly?"

He blinked. _Oh shit._

He swallowed, feeling Nesta's eyes on him like a hawk. "We must've crossed each other in the hallway last night."

Rhys leaned back in his chair, grinning at him. "How would that be possible when your rooms are on opposite sides of the estate?" 

_Shit._

"Uh" he started, but Nesta stood up from her chair suddenly and said "I'm tired. I think I'll go up to my room now."

Rhys was still grinning at him like an idiot, but Feyre nodded. Nesta quickly kissed Elain's cheek and left the room. 

** Nesta's POV **

_Idiot._

Idiot fae bastard Illyrian prick. She tried to come up with more insults for him as she trudged up the stairs to her room, but she seemed to have run out of them. 

He must really enjoy making her life miserable if he was trying to humiliate her at every given opportunity. Unless he was doing it unintentionally, which made him even more of an idiot. 

At least he wasn't ignoring her anymore in front of Mor and acting like he was ashamed of her. He'd actually talked to her in front of everyone, even though the things he'd said were... not the things she would have wanted him to say. 

She reached the top of the stairs and entered her room. She closed the door and slid to the floor, hugging her knees. 

She didn't know why she cared. It wouldn't matter in a few weeks. She'd be long gone by then.

A voice at the back of her mind said _But is it worth it?_

Is what worth it? Escaping Velaris at the price of leaving everyone she'd ever known?

She frowned. These were not her people. She wasn't welcome there. It was obvious. They tolerated her at dinner and tried to engage in casual, mindless conversation, but in whatever way they'd welcomed Feyre and Elain, they didn't seem inclined to accept her into their happy circle. 

Not that she wanted their acceptance. She'd much rather spend her time alone. 

She wondered how Feyre had gotten through it all. From what she'd told her, Feyre didn't have a single nightmare after sharing a bed with Rhys. 

But maybe her sister hadn't told her everything. Maybe those nightmares still haunted Feyre, as they did her. 

** Cassian's POV  **

Cassian stared at the clock and counted a full 3 minutes before excusing himself from dinner and walking after her. He tried to be discreet about it, but as Rhys had so cleverly pointed out, their rooms were on opposite sides of the house and there was no other explanation for why he was headed in this direction. 

He stopped suddenly at the base of the stairs. If their rooms were so far apart from each other, how had Nesta heard him having a nightmare? It would have been impossible if she was in her room. 

He shook his head. That was a problem for another time. He was more focused on seeing Nesta. He hadn't seen her all day and he couldn't stop thinking about her since last night, after what she'd done and said. 

He was glad she'd opened up to him and trusted him enough to talk about her nightmares and what she'd been going through, but he still felt as though there was more she hadn't told him. Besides, he was leaving the next day and he wanted to see her before he left. 

He was a few feet away from her door when someone from behind him said "Going somewhere, Cassian?"

He turned around. Mor grinned at him. 

"How did you find me?"

She snorted. "Well, you're not exactly subtle."

His eyes burned remembering the conversation from dinner "I guess not."

She nodded towards the door behind him, her smile faltering slightly. "I see you didn't take my advice."

He ran a hand through his hair. "No, not really." He added "But you and Nesta seemed to get along better at dinner." 

Mor sighed. "I guess." She smirked. "Although, the conversation would have been far more pleasant if you'd kept your big mouth shut." 

He grinned. "That's a lot to ask of me. My mouth is one of my best features." 

She laughed. 

There were a lot of things he wanted to ask Mor. If she'd be fine with him if something more were to happen between him and Nesta. If she would look at him differently. But it was foolish when his relationship with his mate was so fragile and probably wouldn't lead anywhere. Just because Nesta had stayed with him last night didn't mean things would be better from now on. 

He even debated if he should go to her now after what he'd said at dinner, but it was too late to turn back at this point. 

He blinked as he came back to reality. Mor shoved him towards the door. "What are you waiting for? Don't tell me you're scared."

He scoffed. "Of course not." He paused. "So you're fine with it?"

Mor gave him a quizzical look. 

"I mean," he cleared his throat. "You're fine with it, that I'm not taking your advice?"

She rolled her eyes. "Mother above, it's your life Cassian. I'm not going to tell you how to live it. Besides, it was just a suggestion. I still think you should consider it, but I want you to be happy, and if she makes you happy then you should do it." 

He nodded slowly. "If you say so."

"I do. Now stop stalling and go talk to her." 

He watched her walk back down the stairs and turned towards Nesta's door. 


	16. Chapter 16

** Nesta's POV **

Nesta hadn't wanted to eavesdrop.

But they were right outside her door. If they had wanted to talk in private, they could have at least tried to keep their voices down.

She backed away from the door. _Advice?_ What advice had Mor given Cassian, and why had he ignored it? Was it about her?

The door jerked open suddenly and she yelped. "Cassian, didn't anyone ever teach you how to knock? What if I wasn't decent?"

He raked his gaze down her body and slowly brought his eyes back up to meet her face. "I wouldn't complain if you weren't."

Her cheeks heated. "Bastard"

He laughed.

She crossed her arms. "Why are you here?"

"I came to make sure you wouldn't have any nightmares tonight."

"So what, you're going to watch me sleep the whole night?"

He lay down on her bed and stretched his legs, the mattress groaning under his weight. "If that's want you want."

She rolled her eyes. "Right. Because that's not creepy at all." 

He yawned. "Right. But besides your nightmares, I'm leaving tomorrow and I wanted to see you before I left."

Her heart beat a little harder at that, that she'd be the person he wanted to see before he left.

But she frowned. "Where are you leaving to?"

"The Mountains. To make preparations for when you'll go in a month."

"How long will you be gone?"

He flexed his fingers. "Just a couple days."

A couple days. It'd be just enough time for her to search for the Medallion. Hopefully, she'd find it soon and be gone by the time he came back.

Guilt gnawed at her. Guilt, because that had been her first thought, not that he was leaving to make her preparations. She wasn't going in a month and he was wasting his time doing these things for her. 

She went to her vanity and began brushing her hair, watching him in the reflection out of the corner of her eye. 

"Oh, alright," she said. 

She didn't turn, but stiffened as the bed creaked and he came up behind her. He grabbed the brush from her hand and started brushing her hair in long strokes. He did it surprisingly gently and with great care, and she found herself wondering if he'd done it before for someone else. 

"Will you miss me?" he whispered, his warm breath caressing the shell of her ear. His tone was light, but there was enough doubt in his voice that she knew he wasn't entirely joking.

She shook her head. "Of course not." 

He traced a finger down her arm and her heartbeat quickened. The brush now dangled from his other hand, completely forgotten. 

"Liar," he purred. "I bet you like having me around, following you everywhere."

"Why would I like having an overgrown bat who follows me everywhere because he apparently has nothing better to do with his life?"

He chuckled, setting the brush down on the vanity and sweeping her hair over one shoulder to expose her neck and shoulder. She dared a glance at the mirror to see him. He stared back at her, a feral hunger in his eyes she'd never seen before. Hunger for _her_ , she realized.

"Nesta," he breathed.

One of his hands came to rest on her hip, the other still stroking down her arm. "I know you told me to stay away from you," he whispered, and bent down slightly to kiss her bare shoulder "but, clearly, I've failed splendidly at that."

She was paralyzed.

He nuzzled her throat. "Although you haven't been doing a good job of it either."

She opened her mouth to object but he silenced her as he pressed a kiss to her neck. A sigh escaped out of her against her will. She tried not to arch her back and let her eyes roll back in her head.

He went on, "And, as you pointed out, because I have nothing better to do with my life, I might as well spend the rest of my immortal existence chasing you everywhere. Starting with tonight." A kiss to her jaw.

She shivered and pushed him away. "Fine. You can stay the night. Just keep your hands to yourself."

He grinned. He knew he'd won. "And where would you like me to sleep?"

She glared at him. "On the couch or on the floor. Doesn't matter to me." There was no way in hell she'd let him share a bed with her. She wasn't sure she'd be able to control herself if that ever happened again.

He shrugged and flung himself on the couch. He took his shirt off and draped it on an armchair, exposing his broad, muscled chest. Her eyes roved over the swirls and patterns etched into his skin and he grinned at her when he noticed her staring.

"See something you like, Nessie?"

Her nostrils flared. "Is it really necessary for you to take your shirt off?"

"Of course not. But I thought you might like the view."

"You're so full of yourself."

"It's part of my charm."

"What charm?"

He stared at the ceiling. "And here I thought we would be able to go one night without arguing."

"You thought wrong."

"Evidently."

She stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door. She emerged a few minutes later wearing her nightgown, pointedly ignoring Cassian as she strode to the bed and picked up one of the books she'd chosen from the bookshelves downstairs. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Nesta reading and Cassian staring at her the whole time, making no attempt to be subtle about it.

At one point, she became so engulfed in the story she momentarily forgot he was there, until she heard him straighten and felt the change in his mood. She took her eyes off the book to glance at him. He was grinning at her.

"There it is."

She narrowed her eyes "There is what?"

He laid back, crossing his arms behind his head. "There's the _I Don't Want Cassian to Know I'm Reading Smut_ face."

"Prick," she muttered.

"You know I can hear you, right?"

"Of course I know that. Now let me read my book."

He yawned again. "When are you going to sleep?"

"You must be very excited to stare at me all night if you're so impatient for me to fall asleep," she said.

His eyes sparkled. "Very."

She went back to reading for a few more minutes, trying to ignore his presence, until she felt a warm breath brush her neck. She jumped, finding Cassian directly beside her on the bed and looking over her shoulder, somehow having managed to appear there without her noticing. 

"What the hell are you doing?" she hissed.

He rested his chin on her shoulder and turned one of the pages of the book. "I'm reading. Do you mind?"

She batted his hand away but he took the book from her hands and started reading it on his own She tried to take it back from him but he merely twisted out of her reach. He began flipping to the pages she'd bookmarked, his eyebrows lifting and his eyes growing wider with each word he read. 

"Give it back," she growled.

She reached to grab it again but he held the book high above his head with one arm. "I will," he grinned. "One on condition."

She crossed her arms. "And what would that be?"

He pointed to his cheek. "One kiss."

She groaned and tried reaching for the book again, but he was much taller than her and it was useless. 

"Its quite reasonable," he argued.

"No, it's not. Now give it back."

"Going once."

"No."

"Going twice."

"Stop it!"

"Last chance. Take it or leave it."

She snarled. "You know what, just keep the damn thing. I was done with it anyway." 

He grinned. "Your loss."

She stood from the bed and moved to the door to put the locks in place, and stopped when she remembered she wasn't in her apartment anymore. She'd gotten so used to locking her door each night that it'd become a sort of ritual for her, and she didn't feel at ease knowing she wasn't completely safe. But then again, she was sleeping with an Illyrian warrior in her room, and he could probably take care of any threats better than the locks of her apartment door did. 

She bolted the single lock and turned back to him. He was still reading, completely absorbed by whatever was happening in the damned book. 

She huffed. "Well if you won't let me read, I might as well get some sleep." She pointed to the couch. "Now go back to your place."

He tossed the book onto a table, then looked up at her and pouted.

She shrugged. "Unless you'd rather sleep on the floor."

He yawned, running his hands through the sheets and nestling further into her pillow. "Wouldn't you prefer if I stayed here in your bed?"

"I would _prefer_ if you didn't stay here tonight at all, but apparently that's not an option for you. Now go sleep somewhere else in the room or I'll kick you out altogether."

He rolled his eyes and flopped back onto the couch. "That's too bad."

She went to the closet and tossed him a blanket and a pillow, so he wouldn't freeze to death and keep her up all night. He caught each with one hand and arranged himself on the couch as best he could, given the large wings. She nestled into her own covers and blew out the candle on her bedside table. Soon, the only sounds in the room were of each other's breathing. She closed her eyes, but she knew he was still looking at her.

"Nesta? 

She didn't answer.

"Are you asleep?" he asked.

"Yes" 

Cassian snorted. He was silent again for a while until he said "Can I ask you something?"

She sighed. "If I answer, will you shut up and let me sleep?" 

She could feel him grinning in the dark. "No promises." 

"Whatever" she muttered. 

He hesitated, then asked "How did you hear me last night?"

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"If our rooms are so far apart from each other, you shouldn't have been able to hear me. No one else did either, or they would've come."

She stared at the ceiling. She hadn't thought about it much since that night. It had seemed odd at the time, but she hadn't really questioned it. She knew what he was implying, that it was the mating bond, but she wasn't about to admit it. As far as she was concerned, the bond didn't exist, and she didn't have to worry about it. 

Nesta shrugged. "I don't know."

He kept looking at her in the dark, clearly not satisfied with her answer. But eventually, he shrugged, and didn't say anything else for the rest of the night. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Sooo I've been experimenting with the chapter lengths a bit and this one is much longer than what I usually do so please let me know if this works better (or worse) or if you have any other suggestions in general on how I can improve my writing** **!**

***Mature Scene***

** Cassian's POV **

_Cassian padded down the hallway to her room. After searching his own room for his jacket for 30 minutes, he'd realized he'd left it in her room the other night. He reached her door and knocked on it twice, but she didn't answer. The light was on inside so she must be there. He jiggled the handle and found the door unlocked. He opened the door hesitantly and peered inside but he couldn't see her anywhere._

_"Nesta?"_

_A sound like running water came from the bathroom at the other end of the room._

_"In here!" she called back._

_He walked to the door and hesitated._

_"Can I come in?" he asked._

_"Yes," she shouted._

_He cracked the door open a fraction of an inch and poked his head inside. Nesta was laying in a bathtub, her hair smooth and straight from the water, those cold blue eyes studying him so intensely he almost looked away._ _He tried really hard not to look at her naked body that was nearly visible through the soapsuds. If she was at all abashed about him seeing her like this, she didn't show it._

_He swallowed. "I'm sorry. I can go. I didn't realize-"_

_She waved him off. "Don't worry about it. It's fine. Come in."_

_He narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously, but he stepped inside and closed the door. He shifted his weight on either foot uneasily, glancing around the room to avoid looking at her._

_Nesta grinned at him like she knew exactly what he was doing. She motioned to the bathtub. "Would you like to join me?"_

_His eyes widened. "What-- join you in your bathtub? Naked?"_

_She examined her nails. "If you have qualms about being naked in front of me-"_

_He snorted. "Believe me, I have no qualms about being naked." He grinned. "Especially in front of you."_

_She rolled her eyes._

_He removed all his clothes in one smooth motion, letting them fall to the floor, maintaining eye contact with her the entire time. He could feel her eyes tracing his body, every line and angle of his features. Nesta moved to the edge of the tub to make room for him as he walked towards her and sat down across from her._

_The water sloshed around them, the soap bubbles glistening on the surface. He folded his legs and tried to adjust himself with the wings taking up most of the space. The tub was small, barely big enough for the both of them. Certainly not ideal if he wanted to fuck her. Not that he'd come there to do that, but if she wanted that he'd be happy to oblige her-_

_"Is there a reason you were lurking in my room?" she asked, those stormy grey eyes boring into him._

_"I wasn't lurking-" he started._

_Nesta leaned forward suddenly. His breath hitched at the nearness of her, of her breath warming his face. He tried not to look down, but his eyes kept snagging to her breasts, the top of them peaking out above the water. She lay a single hand on his chest, and he wondered if she could feel his heart pounding beneath it._

_"Do you want to fuck me, Cassian?" she whispered. Her voice was soft as velvet. It sent chills down his spine._

_"Would you want to fuck_ me _, Nesta?" he countered._

_Her hand started drifting lower, tracing the lines of his chest along the way. He clenched his fists to keep from pulling her to him and shoving his mouth against hers. He couldn't stop thinking about the last time they'd kissed, when he'd had her pinned against the wall, begging for him to touch her._

_His breathing was ragged and his head was spinning and he was desperately trying to stay in control of himself when every instinct in his body was telling him to touch her, to taste her, just once more. But he knew it wouldn't be just once, and the next time his skin was on hers, he wouldn't be able to contain himself._

_Nesta, completely oblivious to the struggle he was enduring only said "I believe I asked first."_

_"Yes, I would," he breathed. "I would gladly fuck you. I would fuck you until you're screaming my name and begging me to touch you."_

_Her hand was on his abdomen now, hovering just above the length of him. His cock tightened in anticipation. Her own breathing seemed to have become unsteady, and she looked up at him now beneath lowered lashes, watching for a reaction._

_He stared back at her, refusing to break her gaze. "What about my question?"_

_"What question?"_

_"Would you fuck me back?"_

_Instead of answering him, she reached up and cupped his face in her hands and brought her mouth to his. She wasn't gentle in the slightest, but he didn't mind._ _She smelled like jasmine and mint and lavender and he couldn't seem to kiss her hard enough or fast enough to express the desire within him._ _He opened his mouth to hers and swiped his tongue on her lower lip, asking for entry. She obliged him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing them closer until there was nothing left between them but skin._ _Her body was soft and warm against his, and he ran his hands through her hair, wanting to feel more more more._

_He tore his mouth from hers to trails kisses down her neck and shoulder, her skin hot beneath his lips. He hovered over her breasts and she reached behind him and tugged his hair. He smiled and sucked her nipple into his mouth. She moaned something that sounded like his name, and he used his other hand to cup her other breast and squeeze it gently. His mouth left her breast long enough to press a few quick kisses to her neck, before he found her other nipple and flicked his tongue against it, then his mouth closing around it again._

_He pulled her towards him and her legs wrapped around his waist as she slid into his lap. He pulled her damp hair away from her face to kiss her again. The water lapped around them as they moved, the suds starting to fade away so he could see more of her body, and he let his eyes wander over the curves of her body. He wanted to taste and memorize every inch of those curves._

_One of his hands slid between her legs, moving along her inner thigh and slowly making their way to the apex of her thighs. He smiled at the wetness there, glad he wasn't the only one affected by the moment. She groaned and ground her hips against his, urging him to be faster. They're were both panting now, their breaths coming in heavy rasps._

_Finally, he slipped a finger inside her and she gasped. Her legs tightened around his waist and he squeezed her ass gently. He smiled and slipped another finger in, and she moaned again, breathless and impatient. Her nails dug into his back, branding him, begging him for more. But he removed his fingers and started kissing her neck again, grinning when he saw the furious look on her face. She rocked her hips against his, whimpering slightly, but he refused to give her all that she wanted. Not yet. He nipped at her breast again and chuckled._

_"Fine," she snarled. "My turn."_

_Without warning, her hand gripped his cock and he groaned loudly. He shuddered and twitched as her fingers stroked the sensitive tip. His fingers tangled in her hair and he held onto her as she continued working him, worried he'd fall apart right there._

_He rested his brow onto her shoulder and murmured into her skin "Fuck, you feel good, Nesta."_

_She grinned and crushed her mouth against his. It was hot and messy and reckless, but in that moment he didn't care, stopped caring long ago since that moment he'd met her. He was drunk and delirious from the feel and taste of her._ Damn the consequences _, he thought._ _But she released her hold on him suddenly and he shivered, feeling so cold without her warmth._

 _He stared at her, confused, and she pinched his chin between her fingers, looking him dead in the eyes and said_ _"Cassian, wake up."_

_\----_

He jerked awake suddenly and Nesta gasped and jumped back.

Her eyes were wide. "Cassian? Are you alright?"

He looked around, his eyes still bleary from sleep and he felt dazed. He frowned when he saw her. "Nesta?"

Why was she standing there looking at him like he was insane? More importantly, why was she clothed? 

"Where am I?" he asked. He looked around again. Hadn't they just been in her bathroom?

She raised a brow. "My room. Remember, you came here to stay with me?"

He eyes widened as the realization dawned on him. "Oh. Yes. I remember."

 _It had just been a dream._ He swore under his breath. It'd been a damn good dream. 

She pressed a hand to his brow and he tried not to think where that hand had been in his dream. "Are you alright?" she repeated. 

He ignored the question, and found himself wondering if she could scent his arousal through the bond. He prayed she couldn't. 

He stared at her, his eyes adjusting to the darkness and taking her in clearly for the first time. She was still clothed, unfortunately, and she stood in front of him next to the couch he'd been sleeping on. His eyes drifted to her bed to find her sheets rumpled and thrown across the bed. He must've woken her in the middle of the night. 

"Did I wake you?" he asked. 

"I was already awake," she replied.

"Another nightmare?"

She yawned. "No, I just couldn't fall asleep."

She reached for her coat, then slid her boots on.

He sat up, folding his wings behind him. "Where are you going?"

"For a walk. I need some air."

"I'll come with you."

She rolled her eyes, but didn't object. He tugged his shirt on and reached for his own shoes, then quickly walked after her before she could leave him behind.

\----

The air was cool and crisp outside as they walked through the gardens of the estate. Street lights overhead illuminated the path they walked on, and the only sound was the faint gurgling of water from the fountains. Nesta sat down on a bench, swinging her legs back and forth and tapping her fingers on the cool marble nervously. 

He sat down beside her. "You're sure you didn't have a nightmare?"

She nodded, but it wasn't very convincing. "No. Which is more than I can say for you." She looked up at him and narrowed her eyes. "What _were_ you dreaming about?"

He shrugged and looked away quickly. He wasn't about to tell her he had a sex dream about her. "Nothing."

"Didn't look like nothing." She rubbed her eyes, then leaned forward, bracing her arms on her knees. "You were thrashing in your blanket and mumbling weird things to yourself."

He coughed. "What kind of weird things was I saying?" 

She shrugged. "I don't know. I couldn't really make it out."

He really hoped he hadn't said her name in his sleep. Or any other questionable things.

He tried to attempt normal conversation again and asked "Any plans for tomorrow?"

She nodded absently. "A few."

"I'm surprised you're not jumping up and down from joy at the fact that I'm leaving. No one to follow you around everywhere and embarrass you in front of everyone. No one to argue with or to annoy."

She laughed and he smiled at the sound. "You're being so dramatic. You're going to follow me and embarrass me plenty when you come back. It's not like I'm never going to see you again."

She faltered slightly at those last words, and looked away from him quickly. She frowned and her expression turned distant. Something had upset her, he wasn't sure what it was though.

Out of nowhere, he thought back to when she had agreed to go to the Mountains so quickly. It had seemed odd to him at the time that it took little to no convincing, but she could easily have been lying. She could have lied just to get out of the conversation then leave to wherever she wanted. 

He could feel all the pieces slowly starting to come together, but there were still a few things he was missing. What did any of this have to do with that Medallion? And why did she have to lie about her friends and who she was seeing? 

He frowned. He was probably wrong. The Medallion likely had nothing to do with anything, just a random question she'd asked. 

But if Nesta wasn't planning on going to the Mountains, then what was she going to do? Maybe she was trying to leave before then. It was the only explanation he could come up with.

But that was stupid, he thought. Nesta wouldn't do that. She couldn't control her powers yet and it'd be dangerous for her to be anywhere outside of Velaris alone in that state. Besides, she had nowhere else to go. She couldn't possibly be that desperate to get away from this life. 

But he had to ask her. He had to be sure. 

"That's true," he said. "We'll be spending most of the next few months together. Unless you had something different in mind?"

She looked at him then, her eyes cold and weary. "What do you mean?"

He held her gaze, refusing to back down. He'd avoided the question long enough, and there was no escaping it now. He had to be certain. 

"You're not really planning on going, are you?" he asked.

She crossed her arms. "Of course I am. Why would you ask that?"

He tilted his head. "I don't know. Just a feeling." He frowned. "It's just all the dinners and the dress shopping and spending time with me feels _off_ , I guess. 

She snorted. "If I recall, I did not willingly choose to spend time with you or to go dress shopping."

He was sure of it now. The way she deflected his questions and answered too quickly, without any hesitation. The way her eyes searched his carefully, looking for any sign of doubt.

She's leaving, he thought. That's why she'd agreed to spend time with her sisters despite her feelings toward Feyre. That's why she was so against being with him when he could feel how much she wanted it. She didn't want to get too attached before she had to leave him. 

The thought scared the shit out of him. The thought that she'd kept it from him for so long and he hadn't realized. Or that he'd never get the chance to make everything up to her, to do good on his promise and protect her and help her heal if she left.

Or that he might lose her forever and never see her again. 

"You could easily have said no," he argued. 

She threw her hands in the air. "I tell you one wrong thing about my friends and now all of a sudden you think I'm lying about everything."

"I don't think you're lying, I think you're just-" he spread his hands "- omitting the truth."

She raised a brow. "That's the literal definition of lying."

"Well, technically-"

"Technically, you're accusing me of being a liar and using you and my sisters, and I don't want to be around someone who thinks so little of me."

She stood up and brushed herself off, then started walking back to the estate. He groaned and walked after her, reaching for her hand but she snatched it away from him.

"Nesta, please," he pleaded.

She just kept walking, quickening her pace.

He tried again. "Nesta, that's not what I meant."

She whirled around, her eyes brimming with anger. "I'm not a fool, Cassian. You said exactly what you meant."

She turned around and started walking again, but he stepped in front of her and stopped her. 

"Nesta" 

She still wouldn't look at him. 

"Nesta, look at me." 

When she refused, he took her chin in one hand, forcing her to meet his gaze. His breath clouded in the frosty air and the moonlight shone on her face, illuminating her features. She looked like a goddess, regal and determined, cold and unflinching. 

He loosed a breath, his hands suddenly warm and his pulse thrumming in his chest.

"What I meant," he breathed "is that I'm afraid of losing you."

Her expression didn't change, but her eyes softened slightly. 

He continued: "I'm afraid you're going to leave and that scares me." He cupped her face with his hands. "It scares me that I might never see you again. And not just for my sake but for yours. Because you can't do this alone, Nesta. As much as you want to get away from me and your sisters and everyone else in the world, you can't."

"I understand everything you did now. Why you pushed me away that day in your apartment, and why you went shopping with your sisters. It's because you knew you weren't going to see them again, isn't it?" His eyes searched hers, looking for any confirmation. But she was silent, and continued glowering at him. 

"I promise you," he said, "if you come with me to the Mountains we can train and we can heal and help each other. We can deal with this together." 

He laced their fingers together and rested his brow against hers. "Please don't go, Nesta. Please give me a chance. I swear I'll do everything I can to make things better. I promise I won't disappoint you."

She sighed. "Cassian-"

"Promise me you won't go," he whispered.

"I can't do that." 

"Why not?"

She groaned loudly. "I'm not going to give up my entire life and go to the Mountains because you asked me to."

He was tempted to ask _What life?_ but he thought that might be a little overkill. 

He tried again. "You shouldn't do it because I'm asking you to. You should do it for yourself."

"Don't you get it, Cassian? Going there isn't going to solve anything! If you think training and spending time with you is going to erase everything that happened this past year-"

He crossed his arms. "Yeah? What's your plan? Living out the rest of your days in that piece of shit apartment of yours and drinking yourself stupid?"

"Sounds better than being stuck with you for 6 months," she snarled. 

The words stung more than he thought they would, but he ignored them. 

"Nesta, I'm trying to help you-"

And then she exploded.

"Trying to help me?" she asked. "I'm sick of you and my sisters and everyone else in the world saying that! Where have you been the last 6 months? Why weren't you trying to help me then? Were you trying to help me when you told me that you couldn't understand why anyone would love me in Winter Solstice? Or when you ignored me during the entire party and then decided to give me a gift in _private_? Or how about when you said I wasn't trying hard enough when I have been trying this whole time?" 

Her voice broke at those last words. He stared at her, speechless. 

But she rolled her shoulders back and that terrifying look returned to her eyes as she said "Maybe you should make up your own damn mind before lecturing me about how I should live my life." 

She spun on her heels and walked back inside without another word. 

\----

By the time he reached her room, the lights were turned off and she lay in her bed with her back turned away from him. 

He sat on the bed and pushed her hair away from her face gently. She looked so different asleep, her expression completely devoid of that rage he'd just witnessed. 

"Nesta?" he asked. "Are you awake?" 

When she didn't answer, he pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

"Goodnight Nesta," he whispered.

He flopped back onto the couch and tried to arrange himself as quietly as possible. He tried to sort through his emotions and everything she'd said, but he really just wanted to go up to her and shake her awake and try to explain everything and beg her to forgive him, but he wasn't even sure what to say. 

He felt ashamed and confused and angry. Angry at himself, at the world. Not Nesta. Never at Nesta. 

But he was tired. So, so tired. He didn't have enough energy to make sense of it all. 

Tomorrow, he thought. He'd deal with everything tomorrow. 


	18. Chapter 18

** Cassian's POV **

Cassian woke up as the first rays of sun began filtering through the window blinds. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, instinctively looking to Nesta's bed to check she was there. 

She wasn't. 

Her bed had been made and her belongings were gone. He jumped up suddenly, thinking she'd left after their argument last night, but then he found her leaning against the window and looking outside. 

He sighed in relief. "Good morning," he said.

Nesta didn't turn around or acknowledge him, but he knew she'd heard him. He came up beside her and tried to catch her eye, but she kept staring blankly at the trees outside. 

"What are you thinking about?" he asked. 

She still ignored him, but her left eye twitched slightly. She probably hated him. He didn't blame her. He'd been blind to everything she was going through for the longest time, before actually stepping in and trying to help her. Sometimes, he wondered if he was any better than Tamlin.

He tried again. "About last night-"

"I don't want to talk about it," she said curtly. 

She walked back inside and he followed her, refusing to give up on her again. "Well, I do. We need to talk about it Nesta. The problem isn't going to go away."

She waved him away and started dragging the bags she no doubt had shoved all her belongings in toward the door. He took one of the bags to help her, but she snatched it away from him. 

He frowned. "What's in these bags anyway?"

"They're just clothes Elain sent me." 

When she saw the incredulous look in his eyes, she snorted and said "What did you think was in there? Murder weapons?"

He rolled his eyes. "I accused you of being a liar, not a murderer."

She smiled coldly. "I _will_ become a murderer if you don't stop asking questions and leave right now."

"Nesta-"

She shook her head. "I don't have time for this. And don't you have to leave to the Mountains today?" 

"Why wouldn't you have time?" He narrowed his eyes. "Thinking about running away while I'm gone?"

She sneered. "No, I'm thinking about going home after being stuck in this fucking place all week."

"It's been two days."

"It felt much longer than that," she muttered.

He crossed his arms, ignoring what she'd said. "I want to talk about last night." 

"I don't care." 

She opened the door to leave, but he closed it with one hand and grabbed her arm with the other. 

"Now," he growled. 

"We can talk about it later when you get back." She tried to free her arm, but he held on firm.

He knew Az would probably kill him if he messed up all their plans for when they got to the Mountains, but he still said "I'm not going anywhere. You're probably going to run off if I do." 

She began stuffing other random things into her bag: books, hairbrushes, perfumes. "Fine, Cassian. Stay here. I don't give a damn. But I don't feel like talking right now." 

"Tonight, then?"

She looked up and glared at him. "When I feel like it."

He snorted. "Let me guess. That's some time between tomorrow and the next two hundred years."

She ignored him and clamped her bags shut loudly, then put on her coat and stormed out of the room. He didn't stop her this time. 

** Nesta's POV **

After spending some time with Elain in the garden to cool down, she headed downstairs to say goodbye to Feyre before she left. She had to get out as soon as possible, away from Cassian, away from the house, away from what she'd said last night. 

She had to get back to her apartment, find the Medallion, bring it to Alatar, and then leave Velaris. If Cassian really did stay to keep her from going, it would definitely complicate things, but she doubted he would go to so much trouble for her. He'd probably bid her good riddance himself after all the shit she'd said last night. 

She lugged her bags downstairs and left them at the foot of the stairs as she strode into the kitchen. Cassian was leaning against the far wall, but she ignored him and headed right for Feyre. Her sister had a mug in her hands and was having a quiet conversation with Cassian, but stopped immediately when she noticed her. 

Feyre craned her neck to look into the hallway. "Where are you taking those bags?"

"Home," she said.

Feyre raised a brow and set down her mug. "Your apartment?"

Nesta nodded. 

"It'd be better if you kept them here for when you get back," her sister said.

Her brows drew in confusion. "What do you mean? Back from where?"

Feyre's eyes darted to Cassian and Nesta found herself wondering what he'd said to her. 

She took a sip from her mug. "Back from the Mountains." 

_No._

They were sending her away. For some reason, Cassian had convinced them to send her away now, regardless of what they'd agree to it. If she went there, she'd have no means of escaping without being caught. She'd be completely trapped. And everything she'd done, everything she'd endured will have been for nothing. 

Her face paled at the thought but she tried to keep a calm demeanor as she crossed her arms and said "I thought I was leaving at the end of the month." 

Cassian was trying to catch her eye, but she kept her attention on Feyre.

"Cassian told me what you were going to do," she answered.

This time she did look at Cassian, but his face was neutrally blank.

"And what did Cassian say exactly?" 

If he'd told Feyre that she was trying to leave...

Feyre sighed. "He told me how you wanted to go with him to the Mountains today."

Nesta's head snapped to Cassian's direction. "What?" 

Cassian looked away quickly, but Feyre merely shrugged and said. "I wasn't really sure about it, I thought it might be too soon. But it's just for a couple of days so it might do you some good."

She wasn't sure what to make of the situation. She didn't know if she was more surprised that he'd lied for her or what he'd chosen to say instead. Cassian had no reason to cover for her, especially after the conversation they'd had the previous night. 

Feyre patted her on the shoulder and said "Great idea, Nesta," before leaving the room, eager to escape the conversation. 

She gritted her teeth and turned her gaze on Cassian. 

** Cassian's POV **

She was looking at him like she really _was_ contemplating murder. And the cold gleam in her eyes told him that she would enjoy it immensely.

She stalked closer to him like a wolf prowling its prey, clenching her fists as if to prevent imaginary claws from poking out. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she seethed. 

He shrugged. "I wanted to talk to you and you said you didn't have enough time. I thought we'd have plenty of time in the Mountains."

"I am going to throttle you."

He smiled. "You can certainly try."

She lunged for him suddenly, probably to knee him in the balls like last time, but he was prepared for it. He simply stepped out of the way, leaving her off balance. He kicked her legs out from underneath her and she fell on the carpet with a hard thud. Before she could get up, he pinned her arms above her head. She stared at him, eyes wide and panting heavily.

He grinned. "Better luck next time."

She shoved him off her, still wheezing. "There won't be a next time, because I'm not going anywhere."

He stood up and brushed himself off, then offered her a hand which she ignored. "It's only a couple of days." 

She stood up on her own and started fixing her braid. "No."

"It's not as bad as you think it is, Nessie," he tugged on her hair for emphasis, which caused a few loose strands to fall out of the braid, forcing her to redo it again. 

She scowled at him and swatted his hand away, but he said "If you come and you don't like it, I promise you I'll let you leave and I won't tell anyone about it." 

She looked up at him sharply, but turned her focus back to her braid again, refusing to look up at him. "I don't believe you," she muttered. 

"What's there not to believe?"

Her fingers fumbled with the hair tie. "Feyre would never forgive you."

"That's assuming you choose to leave."

Nesta flung her braid across her shoulder and faced him fully. "I will. Nothing you do will change my mind." 

He shrugged. "I still don't understand why you're so hell bent on not going."

He wondered if even she knew why she was going. From his perspective, it couldn't harm her in any way. It was certainly better then staying in her apartment and drinking all the time. 

Her eyes were scanning his face, searching for any tells. "You swear it?" she asked. "If I go with you for a few days and I still decide to leave Velaris, you won't tell anyone and you'll let me leave?" 

He nodded. He owed it to her after all. She deserved to have the choice Rhys and Feyre weren't going to give her. 

She was still looking at him suspiciously but she relented finally. "Fine. When are we going?" 

"Right now." 


	19. Chapter 19 (Pt. 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is the first part of this chapter. I thought it might be too long so I split it up into two parts. Part two will be up tomorrow (hopefully)* 

** Nesta's POV **

After giving her a few moments to say goodbye to Elain, she and Cassian had gone to meet Azriel, who'd winnowed them both to the mountains. She'd wanted to pack her bags, but Cassian had told her that everything she'd need would be there for them. As soon as they'd arrived, Azriel had muttered something about spy duties and winnowed away. Which left her alone with Cassian.

Towering mountains loomed over them, misty clouds gathered at their peaks. The air was frigid, her skin already dotted with goosebumps despite the heavy wool of her dress. She wrapped her arms around herself as she surveyed the people milling around the rows of tents at the far corner of the camp. Merchants and tradesmen rushed through the crowd, selling their wares and bargaining prices. In the distance, she could see the sparring rings where the warriors were training. All of them male, that she could see. She hadn't spotted a single female since their arrival, though she heard the faint cries of children somewhere in the camp and knew they must be nearby. 

The camp was different than she remembered, probably because it was a different camp than the one she'd been to during the War. According to Cassian, this was Camp Windhaven, the camp where he, Rhysand, and Azriel had grown up in. 

Cassian puffed out a breath, the air in front of him clouding from the action. "Want me to show you around?"

"Fine," she grunted. 

Cassian started leading her to the training grounds, when the rustle of wings sounded behind them and a heavy thud shook the ground as an Illyrian landed. She turned around to see a tall, broad-shouldered male glowering at her the same way he'd done the first time they'd met. He tucked in his wings and turned his judging gaze on Cassian, dismissing Nesta entirely. He crossed his arms and regarded Cassian with the same contemptuous look he'd given her. 

"Why is _she_ here?" he asked through clenched teeth. 

Cassian smirked, either unaware or undisturbed by the sheer revulsion that shone in Devlon's eyes. "Glad to see you're in a good mood today." He turned to her and nudged his chin in the warlord's direction. "Nesta, you remember Devlon, don't you?"

Devlon finally turned to meet her gaze, his eyes raking over her in disdain. She only lifted her chin and straightened herself, refusing to give him the satisfaction of making her cower. "Unfortunately."

The male bristled at her tone, but wisely kept his mouth shut. Cassian took a not-so-subtle step between her and the warlord as he turned to Devlon again, his voice lowered as he asked "Any word from the mortal queens?"

Devlon's eyes darted between him and Nesta, as if debating whether or not to trust her with the information. Finally he sighed and said "None. They've been surprisingly quiet for the last few days."

Devlon's attention flicked back to Nesta, noting her attire, a heavy dress that was likely not very suitable for the harsh mountain conditions. A muscle ticked in his jaw. "If I may be so bold as to ask what, precisely, you've brought her _here_ for?" 

The question was directed at Cassian, but it took all her willpower to keep quiet and to resist the urge to claw Devlon's eyes out. 

Cassian snorted at the mock politeness in his words. "I don't see how it's any of your concern."

"A woman like her shouldn't be here-"

Nesta hissed at him and lunged forward, but Cassian blocked her with an arm. "Watch your tongue, Devlon," he growled, the words laced with the promise of violence.

Devlon did no such thing, venturing a step closer as he flared his wings. "That witch," he spat, "has no place amongst the Illyrians. Take her back to whatever hellhole she came from."

Cassian's siphons glimmered as his features contorted into a calm wrath. He snarled, the sound more animal than fae. Nesta could only watch in mute horror. "I'll remind you who you answer to," he seethed. "You are in no place to give me orders."

Devlon sneered but took a tentative step back as he saw the murderous rage on Cassian's face, the killing calm that had entered his eyes. It was difficult to imagine the relaxed and laid back Cassian she knew was the general of several armies and had murdered thousands on battlefields. 

_One of the most powerful Illyrians of all time_ , Feyre had told her.

Nesta placed a hand on his arm to intervene before the conversation could lead to any further violence. "You said you wanted to show me around?" Her tone was firm, but with enough gentleness that Cassian seemed to reconsider whatever he was about to do. He blinked as reality set in again.

"Leave and go check on your troops." Cassian's voice was guttural, his words barely discernible. "Don't ever say anything like that again or I'll make sure you'll regret it."

Devlon kept quiet, his gaze noting the hand still resting on the general's arm, the closeness with which she and Cassian stood. He spun on his heels and left without another word, striding to a nearby tent and disappearing inside. 

Cassian turned towards her and placed a hand on her lower back, gently steering her in the direction of the training grounds. He didn't say a word, but the anger was slowly blinking out of his features.

Soldiers gaped or stared at them as they passed by, some balking at the sight of their general, others leering at her in distaste. But all of them carefully schooled their features into neutrality as soon as Cassian turned in their direction. 

She hadn't realized how powerful he was until then, the fear he inspired in his soldiers. She knew he wasn't respected, had guessed as much when everyone referred to him as a "low-born bastard". But she hadn't expected that sheer terror she often glimpsed in his men, the way they seemed to curl in on themselves when he passed by.

Cassian loosed a long breath as he finally broke the silence between them. "I'm sorry- about what happened. That you had to see that. I didn't think..." he faltered at those last words. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Doesn't give a good impression of this place, does it?"

Nesta frowned, remembering what Cassian had asked Devlon about the mortal queens. The same queens she'd once sworn to kill and tear to shreds when she'd promised to aid in the war. It felt like lifetimes ago.

"What was that about?" She clarified. "When you asked about the mortal queens." 

His mouth set into a grim line. "There's been... tension at the borders since the war. Things are still unstable there. We've been getting reports of revolts and uprisings, many of them organized by the queens."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know," he confessed. "We'd planned on hunting down and killing the queens, but that would only make them martyrs. Too many people are loyal to their cause. "

That blinding rage consumed her again at the thought of those queens, as she tried to shut out Elain's sobs as the king dragged her to the cauldron. Her own screams as she sank under the black water. 

Cassian must've sensed her train of thought because his eyes softened as he said "But if you want to kill them yourself... it's fine. I won't stop you. I think I'd rather enjoy watching you tear them to pieces." He sighed. "But you won't be able to do that if you don't train."

Nesta raised her chin. "Sure I can. I killed Hybern, didn't I?"

He clicked his tongue. "Well, technically Elain did-"

"I landed the killing blow."

"You caught him by surprise."

She huffed and placed her hands on her hips. "How about this? You capture them and bring them to me and I'll rip their heads off." 

He raised a brow. "Why have me do it when you can do it yourself?"

She stumbled out of the way as a group of soldiers nearly rammed into her. Warm steady hands came around her waist as Cassian barely caught her in time before she slammed face first into the hard ground. He let her go and helped her upright as she staggered out of his grip. The Illyrians who'd ran into them only continued on, some of them looking back at them to give her disgusted looks. 

"Are you alright?" Cassian asked. 

She nodded and smoothed over the folds of her dress. The bottom of her skirts were already caked with mud from their trek, as were her boots. She didn't know how much longer she would last in this camp before she went insane. 

Cassian stopped in his tracks. "We're here." 

She could barely see the sparring ring through the throng of Illyrians around them who were chanting and jeering. Before she could protest, Cassian wrapped his arms around her waist and shot into the air, high above the rest of the crowd. Cassian's wings flapped to keep them steady as they watched the match, some of the Illyrians from below raising their heads to point or gape at them. 

But the two fighters in the ring didn't turn to them, keeping their focus solely on each other as they took turns jabbing and deflecting blows. They sparred in a flurry of motion, moving in a rhythm, as if it were a dance. Each Illyrian was covered in armor from head to toe, and each held glistening, polished swords. Her eyes centered on the taller figure, a male with short cropped brown hair and bronze skin. He seemed to be on the defensive, dogging and parrying his opponent's blows with expert ease. Beads of sweat ran along the shorter male's brow, and she could tell her was starting to get tired. 

She watched in awe as they continued to fight, until the shorter male finally fell to the ground and a whistle was blown, declaring the bronze-skinned warrior the winner. She glanced at Cassian out of the corner of her eye, and she could've sworn she saw a flicker of pride in his eyes. 

She watched as the losing fighter slowly dragged himself back to his feet and walked away from the ring defeatedly. Some of the onlookers taunted or insulted him, and she couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for him.

But her attention found the winner again, who tossed his weapon onto a sword rack and took off his helmet. He was very handsome, with a strong jaw and elegantly groomed brows. His face was flushed from the match, his eyes the color of honey as he cut her and Cassian a curious glance. He winked at her when he found her gaping at him. Cassian tensed, noticing the male's attention on her and he tightened his arms on her waist as he brought them gently back down to the ground. 

She nodded to the male still in the ring. "Who was that?"

"Why do you want to know?" he asked tightly. 

She shrugged. "Curiosity." 

His eyes flickered with some emotion she couldn't place. He pursed his lips. "His name is Tyrell. He's one of our best fighters." 

She gazed back at Tyrell, who was talking to a small, stout woman she assumed was one of the camp mothers. He left after a while and started walking back to the small circle of tents, his gait confident and casual, like he had all the time in the world. He reminded her so much of Cassian. Perhaps that was why she had been drawn to him. 

"Have you met him?" she asked.

"Yes."

She turned around to face him at the tone of those words. His voice had become distant. Colder. His fists were curled at his sides and he refused to meet her eyes, so she decided to let the topic go and instead said "I don't see any women here." 

He sighed, some of the warmth settling back into his features. "We're working on it. I'm trying to get the girls to train, but Devlon, being the sadistic prick that he is, only lets them practice after they finish all their chores." 

"Why don't you just get rid of him?"

His lips twitched. "Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way." He ran a hand through his hair. "Besides, Devlon is a good soldier. He's served me well in the past. We just have many... disagreements. On how things should operate here."

That was probably the nicest way to put things. They'd practically been at each other's throats earlier.

She gestured to the new group of soldiers milling into the arena. "And where do you expect me to fit in in all this?"

"You won't be training with them."

She frowned. "Then where will I be learning to fight?"

He grinned at her precisely in the way that she knew whatever he was about to say wouldn't be good.

"With me. Everyday at dawn."

She gaped at him, trying to register the words. "You can't be serious."

He shrugged.

"Every day?"

"Every day." 

"Did you torture Feyre like this too or do I get special treatment?" she demanded.

He winked at her. "I reserve the very best methods in my arsenal just for you."

She wasn't sure how Cassian was planning on convincing her to stay if he was going to wake her up everyday at dawn. He truly was insane.

She motioned to the soldiers practicing. "Why can't I train with them?"

His face hardened. "Because you're not ready yet."

She snorted and started walking away from the training grounds. "This is all a waste of time."

"How do you know it's a waste of time?" he called from behind her. "You haven't even tried yet."

She stopped and whirled on him. "I don't need to try. You expect me to compete with males who've had centuries to hone their skills?"

"You don't need _centuries_ , Nesta. I trained Feyre in a matter of months and look at what she was able to do."

"I'm not Feyre."

Cassian blinked. "I know that."

No, she was nothing like Feyre. She wasn't self sacrificing or noble or kind or generous. She was horrible and cowardly and utterly selfish. Feyre was absolutely everything that she wasn't. 

He walked up to her, his eyes traveling from her face down to her muddy dress. "We should probably get you some better clothes," he muttered. 

He turned to lead them toward a shop on the side opposite from the training grounds, but she grabbed his arm to stop him. His eyes lit up in surprise at the intimacy of the touch, the most she'd given him since their argument the night before.

She tried to ignore the look on his face as she tightened her grip. "This is pointless and you know it. Nothing from today has changed my mind. In fact, it's reassured me that leaving Velaris would be a far better option."

"For who?" he crooned.

"What do you mean 'for who'?"

"You said that leaving Velaris would be a better option." He looked her dead in the eyes, ignoring the Illyrians who paused to stare at them. "For who would it be a better option?" he repeated. 

She crossed her arms, weighing the outcome of the different answers she could give him, as if they were at war and any move she made could have irreversible consequences.

Cassian scowled at the small crowd of Illyrians that had gathered to watch their argument and barked at them to return to their duties. Then he turned his attention back to her, patiently waiting for her answer. When it became apparent that she wasn't going to give him any, he answered the question himself. 

"Certainly not for Elain," he said. "Not for Feyre, either." 

"Elain and Feyre are better off without me," she spoke quietly. "I'm just a burden on them." 

He bared his teeth. "You're _not_ a burden. You are nowhere near one. You aided us during the War at the High Lord's meeting, you saved my life _twice_ -"

Her eyes widened at that. Cassian seemed just as surprised that he'd said it. It was the first time they'd acknowledged it since it'd happened. 

"And yet -despite all that- my father died," she whispered. "Because I failed him, just as I failed Feyre and Elain all those years ago."

"You were 15-"

"But it doesn't change anything, does it?" she snapped. "No training or practicing can change anything that happened those years." 

Cassian sighed. "You can't think like that." 

"I don't care," she muttered. "I just want to leave. I can't stand the sight of either of my sisters." She looked up at him. "You either." 

The words escaped her before she could take them back, but it wasn't a lie. Every moment she spent with him pained her in a way she couldn't put into words. Though she cared for him, more deeply than she wanted to admit, he was a reminder of everyone she'd failed and everything she'd lost. 

Cassian didn't say anything to that, his face remaining carefully blank. He only stared at her for a long time, before his eyes flicked over her clothes again and he nodded toward the shop he'd been headed too. "Let's go get you some better clothes." 


	20. Chapter 20

** Cassian's POV **

It seemed to be their new routine now. Talking, arguing, then pretending like nothing happened and moving on. And repeating the process every day. Every time it seemed like things were getting better, they somehow took a turn for the worse. 

He blocked out his thoughts as he led Nesta towards the shop, one of the few such places that existed in the camp. The idea of stores was still a novelty to most Illyrians. The bell jingled as he and Nesta entered through the front door. Emerie was behind the counter, exactly as she'd been the last time he'd come there all those months ago: in a brown dress and a white apron, her dark hair braided back to reveal large brown eyes and a narrow face. Emerie eyed Nesta warily, her gaze unflinching as she studied her from head to toe. Nesta only appraised the female with cool indifference. Emerie noticed Cassian finally, and inclined her head in greeting as Cassian waved at her. 

He nodded towards the shopkeeper. "Nesta, this is Emerie."

Emerie stepped forward from behind the counter and held out her hand to Nesta. "Hello." 

Nesta's eyes flicked to the outstretched hand then to the female's face, then back down to her hand. Slowly, she shook it, never taking her eyes off of Emerie's face. They both stared each other down, as if having some silent staring contest, until Cassian interrupted it and said "We came to buy her some clothes. Something warmer and easy to work in." 

Emerie nodded, finally taking her eyes off Nesta to glance at the general. She motioned for Nesta to follow her as she disappeared into a room at the back of the store. 

Nesta went after Emerie without glancing back at him. He stayed in the reception area as he heard the rustling of fabric and the soft whispers of conversation, trying to resist the urge to eavesdrop. After a while, he gave up and edged closer to the room to peer inside, keeping his steps as quiet as possible. 

Emerie took out a measuring tape from one of the many pockets of her apron. "Turn around and hold out yours arms so I can take your measurements."

Nesta complied, stiffening slightly as the female leaned over her to wrap the tape around her waist and chest. Cassian pressed himself further against the wall so she wouldn't notice him. 

The two women were silent for a moment until Emerie finished and stuffed the tape back into her pocket. She tilted her head and studied Nesta, taking in her stiff posture and her mud-spattered clothes. "You're new here," she finally said. 

Not entirely a question. Nesta blinked at her, not a flicker of emotion showing on that perfect face of hers. "Yes." 

"Are you enjoying it here so far?" Emerie asked.

A snort from Nesta. "Enjoy isn't the word I would use."

He shifted to see them better, and found Emerie smiling softly at Nesta. He quickly pulled back again and pretended to examine the shelves. 

Nesta's voice carried over the sounds of heavy crates being pushed around on the floor. "I haven't seen many females here."

He glanced in the room again as Emerie shook her head. "Most are too busy cooking or cleaning and tending to their families to venture anywhere near the training grounds." 

Nesta raised a brow.

Emerie started rummaging through the heaps of clothes. "That's why you're here, isn't it? To train." 

"That remains to be seen." Emerie gave her an amused look, and handed her a stack of folded clothes, but Nesta's gaze slid to the wings behind her. "What happened to your wings?"

Cassian flinched. 

Emerie leveled her gaze at Nesta, any amusement or warmth gone from her face. "They were clipped."

"By who?"

Cassian almost stepped inside to interrupt them before any more damage could be caused, but Emerie simply said "My father."

"Can you still fly?"

"No." 

Nesta seemed stunned for a moment as she tried to form words. She stared at Emerie liked she'd never seen her before, her eyes wide with disbelief. "Why?" she sputtered. 

Emerie shrugged, the portrait of indifference. "Tradition, I suppose."

Nesta's eyes softened as she looked again at the long scars lining the female's wings. "I'm sorry," she whispered. 

Emerie grabbed a few more boxes from the shelves. "It's been a long time. I've moved on." 

Nesta nodded tentatively, but the shopkeeper smiled at her warmly and ushered her back into the reception area. 

Cassian jumped as soon as he heard the footsteps echoing down the hall. He quickly made his way back to the room they'd been in earlier and fought to keep his face neutral as the two women slipped back inside. Emerie came back behind the counter and stacked all the boxes and bags on top of it as Cassian tossed her a pouch of coins. 

Nesta tried to catch his eye again, but he kept his focus solely on Emerie counting the coins and the stack of supplies on the counter. All he could thing about were those words Nesta had said to her. _I'm sorry._ He didn't think he'd ever heard those words come from her mouth before.

"Will that be enough?" Cassian asked.

A sharp nod from the shopkeeper. "Yes." 

Cassian offered to carry the clothes for Nesta, who immediately refused, but he ignored her and picked up half of them anyway. They started heading for the door when Emerie said "I hope you come to like it here, Nesta."

Nesta looked over her shoulder, her arms tightening around the heap of clothes she carried. She nodded at her. "It was nice to meet you, Emerie." 

** Nesta's POV **

Despite the heavy load she carried, she was still able to walk much faster than him, to the point where he had to run to catch up to her. 

She sighed, her breath clouding in front of her in the chilly air. "Remind me how long I have to stay here before we can go back?" 

Cassian grunted as he finally caught up to her. "A few days. Why?"

"I hate this place." 

He rolled his eyes. "I know Devlon isn't the nicest person to be around, but-"

"I don't care about Devlon." 

"Then what is it?"

She sighed through her nose. "You brought me to a place where males feel so entitled to females' bodies that they clip their wings to keep them from flying. _This_ is where you expect me to train?" 

Cassian winced. "We outlawed that tradition centuries ago." 

Her temper started rising at the absurdity of it all. She knew what wings meant to an Illyrian, the pride they took in them. That a male would even dare to take that away from one of them, that Emerie's own father had done it-

"Your laws clearly didn't stop Emerie's father from shredding her wings." 

"Well, you can change that," he argued. "If you stay here, we can work together and prevent anything like this from happening again."

Nesta scoffed. "I have enough of my own problems. I don't want to deal with a bunch of pretentious, overgrown bats who can't stand the thought of women doing anything more than menial chores." 

Cassian opted for silence as he continued leading them to the small circle of tents at the far end of the camp. The stars shone brightly overhead as they looked down on the two of them, and Nesta found herself wondering if she'd be looking up at those same stars for the rest of her days if she did, in fact, choose to stay in the Mountains. 

Eventually they reached the cluster of tents she'd spotted earlier, but to her surprise, Cassian walked right past them. They continued their hike until they reached a tent at the far edge of the camp, slightly larger than the ones they had seen earlier. It stood all alone, completely isolated from the rest, far away from any of the other Illyrians.

Cassian held the tent flap open for her as she went inside. The space inside was a modest living space, containing only what was necessary for survival. There was no couch or cushions, no ornate rugs or tapestries. From what she could recall, the tents they'd stayed in during the war had been much more decorative and far more spacious. These tents held only the bare essentials. 2 beds, one for each of them, a small desk with an accompanying chair, and a pile of books in the corner. An oil lamp on the desk cast dark shadows on the wall, the only source of light in the small confines of the tent. 

She raised a brow. "We're sharing a tent?" 

He sat down on one of the beds and started removing his fighting leathers. "Supplies are running a bit low at the moment. We don't have the luxury of handing out separate tents to everyone." He sighed. "Besides, I don't trust the other males here. When they find out that another female is amongst them, especially one that's a -" 

Her nostrils flared. "What? A witch?"

He rolled his eyes. "I was going to say a High fae. Illyrians aren't particularly fond of them because of the way they're treated by them." His mouth quirked to the side. "But... yes. Also because you're a witch."

She snorted. Of course he'd brought her here to another group of people that wanted absolutely nothing to do with her because of who and what she was. 

Cassian must've sensed her thoughts because he quietly added "I know what it's like not to fit in. The Illyrians treated me as nothing more than a low-born bastard for years. I had to prove to them- to myself, that I was just as capable as everyone else. More, even." 

She said nothing in response, merely watching as he shrugged off his armor, leaving his bare chest on display. He removed his siphons and tossed them to the ground, then started undoing the strap he'd used to tie his hair. 

He gave her a sly grin when he noticed her gaze. "I'd ask you to turn around, but if you're so keen to watch me undress, I don't mind at all." 

She scowled and turned her back to him, then started looking through the clothes Emerie had given her. A pair of boots, a few nightgowns and several sets of Illyrian leathers and other warm clothes.

"Don't turn around," she growled. 

Cassian chuckled as she changed into one of the nightgowns and undid her braid, letting it fall in loose waves around her shoulders. She climbed into her bed and drew the covers up to her chin, the mattress hard and firm beneath her like a layer of bedrock. 

"Can I turn around now?" he asked.

"Yes."

He turned to face her, his eyes flicking over her briefly before he reached for the oil lamp to turn it off. The darkness that surrounded them was suffocating, the cold temperature nearly paralyzing, but she tried to keep her breathing even and tried not to shiver too loudly as Cassian settled into his own bed and closed his eyes. 

Apparently, she wasn't as quiet as she thought, because moments later, Cassian whispered "Do you need another blanket?" 

She shook her head at first, then realized he probably couldn't see her. "I'm fine," she muttered. 

She tried to be subtle again as she pulled the covers more tightly around her and started rubbing her arms for heat, but a rustling sound came from Cassian's side of the room as he stood up and began putting on his shoes.

She frowned. "Where are you going?" 

"To get you a blanket." He put his coat on. "Unless you'd rather freeze in the dark?"

She grumbled something in response, the words barely audible to her own ears over the sound of her teeth chattering.

He snorted. "I thought so."

Before she could protest, he left the tent and disappeared outside, leaving her alone in that creeping darkness. He returned a few minutes later, his arms loaded with heavy fabric. 

He moved over to her bed and draped two more blankets on top of her. "Better?" he asked.

She nodded but he said anyway "If you need warmer clothes, I can go to Emerie's shop again. It's late, but I'm sure she won't mind. I'll pay her double."

She shook her head. "I'll be fine."

"You're sure?"

She groaned and buried her face under her pillow. She appreciated his overprotectiveness but she was too tired to argue with him over the subject of clothing. "I'll be fine," she repeated. 

Cassian sighed and slid back into his own bed. "You're even more stubborn than Devlon is."

"I could say the same about you," she snapped. 

He chuckled quietly, the sound the last thing she heard before the gentle hum of the wind outside lulled her to sleep.


End file.
